Seriously, a week to wait yet?!?!?

A nurse from Dr E’s office called today to let me know that my progesterone levels are normal and that Dr E wants me to continue with the Femara the same as last month.  WHOA…hold the phone.  I’m confused.  Why would you tell a patient that you know is TTC and is only 9 days past trigger shot to do Femara next schedule.  Isn’t it still too early to tell if it worked?  Wouldn’t you wait to cross that bridge until closer to AF’s estimated arrival?  Wouldn’t you wait to talk to them about it until their appointment next week, which happens to be approximately 14 DPO?  So I ask the nurse if he called in a prescription already or if he will do that when I meet with him next week.  I also told her that I don’t usually start Femara until 3 days after AF’s arrival but that I am not due for her to come until next week.  All the time I’m thinking:

Does he know something I don’t? 

Could he tell if it really didn’t work already? 

Did they test my blood for more than just progesterone? 

What about this referral to another Dr for next month? 

Why would he prescribe something if I am going to a different Dr? 

Cue  huge lump in my throat so big I feel as though I may choke and the formation of big, fat tears as I wait for the nurse to respond.  She tells me to hold while she quick checks – comes back to tell me that if AF arrives before my 6.8.11 appointment with Dr E to call them and they’ll send in a prescription. If AF doesn’t arrive by my appointment then he’ll prescribe it when I come in.  Obviously they have no hope that it worked.  It doesn’t even seem to be on their mind that there COULD be a positive pregnancy this month.  I try to keep my voice as steady as possible and thank her and hang up.  The phone is not even 2 cm from my ear before the tears start to fall and I start to really, really cry.  I can’t help but feel completely hopeless about this cycle.  I started to wonder if it really is too early to test (which, yes the sane and rational me knows it’s only been about a week since ovulation so yes it is too early to test but the crazy and irrational me thinks otherwise.)  So add the phone call from the nurse to my already insanely negative feelings about this cycle and you have pretty depressed and hopeless Sunfish.  I just want whatever day I can test to come and go so we can get started on the next cycle.

I’ve noticed this week I’ve been really down.  I had the house to myself for the past two nights and usually I love to use that time to clean and organize but I couldn’t do more than sit my big butt down on the couch both nights and watch lame made for TV movies.  I’ve had a constant lump in my throat and tears are never very far from falling.

Last night I brought supper out to my MIL and she, for the first time, started asking if Walleye and I were ever going to have kids (Ummm, It’s only been 18 months since we got married).  I gave some general answer like “at some point – when it happens it happens” and she immediately starts telling me how to get pregnant and that she knows as she had two kids of her own and was a nurse.  I was not in the mood to hear from her how one goes about getting pregnant.  Yes, she was a nurse 15 years ago and yes she did have two kids but that doesn’t mean she knows everything.  Not to mention it’s me, her and her aid.  Like I want to get into this with some random aid.  So I try to blow her off and let her go off on her speech but when it’s clear she’s not giving up any time soon I firmly tell her “I know how it works and when it happens, it happens.”   Thankfully the aid realizes I am getting really uncomfortable and before my MIL can say another word shoves a spoonful of sauerkraut hotdish in my MIL’s mouth.  Coincidentally Walleye called not 10 minutes later and got kind of upset with me for not telling her what was really going on.  Really?!?!?  This coming from Mr. “Let’s-Not’Tell-Anyone-Anything” and Mr. “I-Can’t-Believe-You-Told-Your-Mom/sister/K!”  So, I think Walleye and I are going to have a little chat tonight.  I didn’t want to go into everything with him on the phone last night as I didn’t want to start crying at my MIL’s house and have to explain that too.  If he wants to tell her, he can but I want him to do so when she is alone and make her promise she won’t tell any of her aids, sisters, my BIL or especially his super fertile gf or anyone for that matter.  I feel like such a horrible DIL for not sharing this with her but I just couldn’t.  I feel guilty for telling my Mom and not his.  I feel bad lying to her.    

Oh why can’t it just be a week from now….