In-Laws....

Last week I posted about my MIL being back in the hospital, well she got out on Friday – thank the Lord!  Five days was more than plenty for her (and us).  She’s home and from what Walleye and I can tell recovering.  But I am exhausted.  Mentally and physically exhausted. 

My FIL, BIL and his free-loading GF (I’m going to start referring to her as “Free Loader”) had a 2 ½ week trip planned, which was supposed to start last Friday.  So the Monday my MIL went into the hospital all we kept hearing about from my FIL was “when will she get out?  I have a vacation to go on at the end of the week!”.  Every nurse, doctor, PCA, hospital staff who entered my MIL’s room heard that and since we were there all night with him we heard it each time too. 

I have a huge problem with that and an even bigger problem with the fact that they are on this vacation right now.

You see, they were just going to go with the flow – camp when they could, grab a hotel if need be but not make any reservations and just drive until they were done for the day. So they didn’t have any money down on anything and didn’t have to worry about losing deposits or changing flights, etc.  Not to mention they went on a trip last year too that was supposed to be 2 weeks long but they were tired driving back and extended it a few more days.  So I am sure the 2 ½ week vacation would have turned out to be closer to 3 weeks.

So after last Monday my FIL and BIL agreed to wait and see when my MIL would be getting out before worrying about when exactly they were going to leave.  I thought was the least they could do and should have been saying that since Monday.  Anyways, so Wednesday we learn that my MIL is likely (but not guaranteed) to get out on Friday. 

The minute Free Loader heard this she quick called and made reservations at the same places her Mom was staying (apparently her Mom had decided to tag along on the trip and had made reservations that Tuesday) and of course these are the types of reservations where you save money by pre-paying and not being able to cancel.  She made them starting Saturday night.  The day after my MIL was likely to get home.

So Thursday I get a call from my FIL that my MIL will need to have an IV ball administered every day for 14 days and that her aids aren’t registered to do so, meaning it has to be a family member.  He also mentioned that the social worker knows he is going to be gone and said that someone needs to be with my MIL when the aids aren’t there (so from 9:30 pm – 7:30 am).  He asks if Walleye and I could do it.  I told him I would have to talk it over with Walleye and my FIL’s response was: “well if you don’t I don’t get to go on my vacation.”  SERIOUSLY!!!

So Walleye and I meet him at the hospital after work to discuss and it was so frustrating. He basically said if we didn’t do it he would put her in a nursing home.  Which, my MIL’s response was then she’d just die there.  Walleye suggested paying for an aid to spend the night, or getting an adult babysitter. 

We wouldn’t mind spending the night be it would be for over 2 weeks and we have cats at home and with me being pregnant we just didn’t feel we could.  If it would have been for a week or every other night or something that would have been another story.  Walleye asked his Dad to cut the trip short but he wouldn’t hear of it – saying he was already cutting it short by a day.  A DAY! One.single.stinking.day.

In the end we agreed we would do the IV ball every night right after work as it takes about 2.5 hours from prep to clean up.  Then Walleye’s aunt, my MIL’s sister would spend the nights with her.  But we also told my FIL he had to be back 3 days early as we have a family reunion in my hometown to go to the last weekend of his trip…we’ll see if he actually shortens his trip.  I highly doubt it.

So needless to say the last two weeks have been exhausting – last week it was every night after work at the hospital until 8 or 9 and then this week out at my MIL’s every night until 8 or 9.  Plus I work 10 hour days so I get up at 5 am.  And I do all the cooking at my MIL’s when we are out there. 

It wouldn’t be so bad but my MIL is so mean and ornery at times it’s hard to take even though I am sure it’s not personal and is most like her frustrations combined with anger at my FIL and side effects of her meds.  

Wow this is a rather long post but it feels good to have gotten it out…writing can be such a great release. 

Relief

We had our 6w6d u/s yesterday and the minute I heard the u/s tech say "Congratulations you have a singleton with a heartbeat" I let out a sigh, well actually it was a cry, of relief.  It was amazing!  I am sure I gave Him a headache with the continous prayers of thanks I sent up for almost the entire night. 

Freaked out.

This post will be mainly about my pregnancy thus far...and to be honest it probably won't make much sense and will be filled with incomplete thoughts. 

I am freaked out.  Extremely freaked out.  All of my rather mild pregnancy symptoms have seemed to pretty much disappear and are rather non-existent.  And that freaks me out.  To.no.end.

I have heart burn almost every day, which is a change.
I have had NO morning/afternoon/evening sickness.
My ta-tas were very sore and growing for a while but that seemed to have backed off.  (Well one is still noticable larger than the other but neither seem to be growing.)
My sense of smell doesn't seem as overactive as it had.
I have to pee a lot but I think it's because I've upped my water intake quite a bit.
I do have some stretching feelings and cramps or pings of pain every now and then but they just freak me out that it's a m/c. 
I am tired, was really tired a few weeks ago but that's lessened. But still a bit more tired than usual.
The biggest thing is I just don't feel pregnant.  I even forget sometimes that I am.  You'd think that wouldn't be possible!

I am completely paranoid that I am having an ectopic pregnancy as I have all these pings of pain or noticable twinges and on Friday it hurt in my ovary area when I coughed.  But I don't have any of the other signs of a ectopic pregnancy.  And as much as I want to call my RE I also don't want to be a hypocondriach.

I read on baby boards about all the ladies having m/c and one minute it freaks me out and the next I am tellin myself very calmly that I haven't had any bleeding or spotting or abdomen tenderness or shoulder pain or any number of signs that they boards list.  I need to keep myself away from them.  Them and Dr. Google.

We go in tomorrow for our first U/S at our RE's office.  I am so excited for it but also extremely scared that they are going to tell me it's ectopic or there's not fetal pole or no yolk sac or no heartbeat.  But at least in 24 hours I should know...God please give me the patience to make it through the next 24 hours.  Praying for a precious heartbeat tomorrow.

MIL back in the hospital

It's been a long couple of days.  Monday at the end of the day Walleye emailed me that his Dad just called and his Mom was back in the hospital with some sort of infection.  I immediately thought it was the aspirational pneumonia, which would be a very bad thing.  Thankfully it wasn't.  It still wasn't good but at least it wasn't that! 

Turns out she had a sore between her butt cheek and top of her thigh since she left the hospital last time and it wasn't getting any better even though she was on antibiotics.  Last Friday they took her in to her normal Dr who prescribed two different, stronger antibiotics and between Friday night and Monday morning the sore had more than tripled in size.  My FIL called her Dr who told him to take her right to the ER so she was sure to be seen right away. 

After 4 hours in the ER and numerous attempts to try to drain the sore they admitted her to the hospital.  The hospitalist recommended a surgeon look at it, which was our last option and scary one as she doesn't tolerate surgery very well with all her other problems.  The surgeon came about 7 pm and said he thought they should do surgery that night yet.  With the fact that the sore had tripled so quickly since Friday he didn't feel comfortable leaving it any longer than absolutely necessary. 

While they scheduled surgery Walleye, my FIL and I ran to quick grab a bite to eat, got back to the hospital about 9 and they took her down to surgery at 10 pm.  At 12:30 we were finally able to see her again and were so relieved that she was smiling and talking with the recovery nurse (who she had worked with at that same hospital 30 years ago!). 

The surgeon said all went well but that recovery will be hard for her as she has no fat or anything left in that area so the incision is resting pretty much right on bone.  They need to drain it at least three times but they only do that Monday, Wednesday and Fridays so we aren't sure how long she will be in the hospital. 

But I am thankful it wasn't as serious as I first anticipated and that she did so good.  She was in pretty good spirits last night when we went to visit her. 

Oh and that Dr said that the sore could very well have been the reason she has been so mean and orinary since she got out of the hospital.  Even though she couldn't feel it her body was still telling her brain there was something wrong creating the irritableness. 

I started PIO shots on Monday.  Poor Walleye has to give them to me every day becasue I just don't think I could do it myself.  He's been good.  yesterday though it really hurt and I had tears streaming down my face - I felt horrible as it made Walleye feel bad but I think it was the needle because I looked at it after and it looked different than the other one he used on Monday.  So far my butt cheeks haven't been too bad - a little tender at times and every so often I can feel it but it's so much better than I thought it would be.  And it is so nice not to have to do the suppositories and work around having to lay down for at least an hour every time. 

A ball of nerves

I am a complete and utter ball of nerves lately.  My hcg numbers are good (5683 on Friday, 7.15.11)  but my progesterone just isn't coming up.  They are moving me from 4x a day suppositories to 1x a day PIO shots.  I start those today and go in on Thursday for another blood draw to see if my numbers have improved. 

I asked the nurse if there was anything else I could be doing but she said dietary and lifestyle there really isn't anything.  We just have to wait and see what this little embryo is going to decide to do and try to support it with shots as best we can.  We go in on Tuesday, 7.26.11 for our first u/s. 

I am beyond freaked out that this pregnancy won't end in a health baby come March 2012.  The low progesterone combined with my deminishing to almost non-existant symptoms only add to my fears. 

I am trying my best to trust in His timing.

On another note, Duckie starts week 2 of treatment today.  The Dr said the headaches should lessen this week.  Mom said that he is pretty weak and tired.  I am hoping to get down there this weekend and stop by and see him, maybe bring him a couple meals for his freezer or mow his yard or help him with cleaning, groceries or whatever the need may be.  I hate, hate, hate the fact that I live 2 hours from him but I guess it could be worse - it could be a planeride away instead of an easy, two hour car ride away.  I am thankful my parents are 7 miles away from him! 

Duckie started treatment

Duckie started his month-long immunotherapy treatments on Monday for his melanoma.  He said Monday evening that it went OK and he was feeling OK but was going to nap before his anti-nausea meds wore off.  Tuesday and Wednesday were worse than Monday.  Headaches so bad he couldn't work, couldn't sleep, whenever he'd start to feel better the minute he got up he'd feel bad again.  The Dr. just increased his pain meds today and said that the headaches should be better next week.  Praying so!

Apparently even though this immunotherapy is not chemo it will have many of the same side effects as chemo does.  Nausea, hair loss, tiredness, etc.  I saw him last weekend - our cousin got married so Walleye and I stopped by his house that morning to spend some time with him without our millions of relatives around - and he was pretty positive, upbeat and ready to get on to this stage in the game.  He said they will for sure do two weeks, then evaluate and decide if he needs another two weeks before starting him on the year of thrice weekly shots.  He also said that there are a few over-the-road truckers who are on the shots and they are still trucking so he is hopeful that mean the side effects aren't that horrendous. 

He texted me a picture of his new do - he cut it so losing it due to treatment wouldn't be as bad.  It's so strange as I haven't seen him with short hair in I can't even remember when. I wonder if the treatment will affect his beard?  I can't imagine seeing him with short hair and NO beard!

My MIL seems to be improving some.  Last we were out to see her, her voice was stronger and she could talk longer without getting tired.  I don't believe she is on oxygen at all anymore.  Her color was looking good.  Her personality seems to have changed though, and not in a good way.  She is extremely whiny (which is so unlike her) and she harps on my FIL way worse than ever and she seems "out of it" more often.  I am holding out hope that this just is her getting acclimated to her meds but it's been numerous weeks so I am not so sure.  But all in all she seems to be doing much better.

My Mom is back on prednisone, which is a bummer, especially since it means she is back to insulin shots 3 times a day. She told my sister the prednisone will most likely be long term.  I feel so bad for her because she bloats up so much from the prednisone - she barely looks like herself.  But if it means she will have a better quality of life, able to do more and get back to "her" normal then it's worth it. She has been going to PT twice a week for the past 4 weeks and has 4 more to go.  I think two weeks ago she was able to get herself and her oxygen in the car and driver herself to town no problem.  She seems to like the PT and is doing rather well at it, so that's good! 

We had a flash a good news over the 4th of July weekend - which lasted about as long as a fireworks show....rumor had it my BIL broke up with his free-loading GF and she and her brood moved out.  But unfortunately my MIL was wrong and they just had a fight and she never did move out.  I was seriously super bummed when I heard it wasn't true.  I mean REALLY bummed.  The only bright spot is those kids will continue to have some stability, religion and positive influence on their lives as long as they liver with my BIL.  I have been praying a lot for God to help me learn how to accept her and get past my almost hatred for her (yes hatred might be a tiny bit too strong of a word but I had to admit it, hatred is mighty close to what I feel towards her, along with resentment, jealousy, and disgust.  See I need to be praying about this - that is not a very Christian to feel that way!!!). 

Area 51

Wikipedia says the following about Area 51: “The intense secrecy surrounding the base, the very existence of which the U.S. government barely acknowledges…”

I am beginning to feel like a real life, human Area 51.

First off because Walleye wants to keep our IF journey to ourselves not even telling a few close family and friends, which in turn means that if I wan to respect his wishes I must do so as well. Or try.  I have a harder time with that than Walleye – I am more of a talker.  I like to lay things on the line.  I need to confide in my sister or a girlfriend or two about most things.  But yet I have found that it is hard for me to talk about this IF journey with too many people.  At times I want to scream if from the roof tops (mainly after I get asked when we are going to have kids) but at other times I don’t even want to talk about it with Walleye.

The second reason is my hcg levels from last Tuesday’s pregnancy blood test were 51 (and 209 last Friday) but we are keeping it a secret from family and friends! We are cautiously excited, trying to keep our hopes and dreams in check.  Yes, you read that correctly!  I got a BFP last Tuesday!!!  Thank you God and all who have and are praying for us!  I am seriously still in shock. 

Basically my revised rendition of Wikipeida’s Area 51 would be: “The intense secrecy surrounding the pregnancy, the very existence of which Walleye and Sunfish cautiously acknowledge…”

We are both still in a complete state of shock and are cautiously excited, nervous, hopeful, grateful, and sending many prayers of thanks and gratitude up to the heavens.  Also sending up lots of prayers for decent progesterone levels on Friday (they've been a bit low so I am on progesterone suppositories 4x a day) and a healthy pregnancy leading to delivery of a healthy baby in mid-March 2012! 

Thank you again to all who have spared a prayer or two for us!