39w 6d

Hard to believe tomorrow marks 40w!  Oh my goodness!!!  Where did it go?  I can not believe how fast my pregnancy flew by - granted I know it's not over yet...according to my Doc I'll go late so I could have a week or more to go yet. 

My Grandma seems to be coming around a little bit but her health is definitely slipping.  As hard as it is I think I am finally coming to terms with it - I mean I knew she wouldn't live forever and that chances are it would be sooner than I'd like but I'm starting to accept that it could be anytime now and that I am dang lucky to have had all these years with her.  Walleye's last grandparent passed away when he was only 14 and he never got to meet one of his grandparents.  I was lucky in that I not only knew all my Grandparents, and knew them well but I also knew 4 of my Great Grandparents and got to spend more time with some of them than Walleye did with his Grandparents. 

It's still hard and is going to be really hard when Grandma does pass away but I know she'll be in heaven with Grandpa, their son and other loved ones. 

I am still holding out hope that she's around long enough to meet Lucky!
Speaking of Lucky I think he/she may be here sooner rather than later.  I've been having what I think are weak contractions (I am not certain as I haven't had any braxton hix contracts - or at least none that I've felt this entire pregnancy) every so often, I feel a ot more pressure lower, and I've been feeling generally off or just not myself all day.  It could be hopeful early labor and really nothing at all but I'm going for optimism and thinking that it's the beginning!  :) 

One thing that's for sure is being t-minus one day from due date sure puts some motivation and drive in my work ethic....I think in the last day and half I have gotten more done at work than for weeks previous!  I best get back at it - there are a few more projects I'd like to tackle today....

Praying...but feeling guilty and selfish about them...

My Mom sent an email to her siblings last night and bcc'd myself and my siblings and in the email it explained that she had been to visit her Mom, my Grandma, and that Grandma did not have a very good week.  They tried to wake her 4 times when my Mom was there and it didn't work - finally when she did wake up she wouldn't stay awake for long.  The nurses at the home said she had been like that all week and when they would get her up she would get the shakes.  Grandma doesn't want any sort of medical intervention, which I completely respect. She is 89 years old and has lived a full life. 

I am feeling selfish.  I have been praying so hard since I got the email that she makes it until Lucky arrives and I can get down there (it's two hours away) for Lucky to meet her and her to meet Lucky (her 18th Great Grandchild).  I am not ready to let my last Grandparent take their journey on to heaven.  I so badly want one of those 4 generation pictures with my Grandma, Mom, me and Lucky.  Everytime I think any of those thoughts I immediately feel bad because they are centered around me.  What I should really be praying for is that Grandma is not in any pain (which I don't believe she is), her soul and her journey to heaven.  But I just can't.  I can't seem to let go of this fear that she'll pass away before I am ready.  How self centered is that?  Even knowing I shouldn't be thinking about that I can't stop myself. 

We are 5 days from due date but the Dr is pretty certain we will go late.  I have an appointment with him today so we will see if there is any further progression from Monday.