Hiiiiggggghhhhhh Row-ller

In the summers during my college career I worked at an amusement park, two years in the Berenstain Bear attraction and one year on the old, white, wooden roller coaster, the High Roller, that still ran off manual breaks!  It was the best job in the world for a college student!  The High Roller was always my favorite ride growing up and I remember hoping and praying I would get to work on that ride.  On the first day of orientation in the Spring before my first summer I was walking from the parking lot to the park with another girl and we were chatting about what rides we wanted and I told her "the high roller but that I would probably be stuck in Berenstain Bear Country (BBC) with all the little rugrats”.  You see the High Roller was typically run by a staff of mainly boys, and usually rather good looking boys.  Me, being the boy crazed college student that I was, naturally wanted to work that ride!  But sure enough, just as my gut had thought, I got stuck with BBC.  So for two summers I worked BBC as an Assistant Lead and a Lead of the area/ride.  And it wasn't so bad.  Of course the High Roller ran right behind BBC so every day it was a constant reminder but I made the best of it.  And to be perfectly honest, when we drove the BBC train it went right past the front brake station where the boys worked so us BBC girl’s could flirt with them as we drove by and ended up becoming good friends with the High Roller boys!  Oh geez, I am going off track here...anyways my last summer I finally got the Lead at the High Roller (only the second girl in park history to be a lead on it!) and I was thrilled.  I loved that ride.  I loved the ups and downs, hills and valleys of the ride.  I especially loved the feel of stopping a train by working the manual brakes.  Actually being physically in control of the ride unlike those new, fang-dangled, computer run coasters.  The riders truly put their lives in the hands of the brake operators. I loved the sound of the pedals clicking on the way out of and into the station.  I loved my crew!  I loved the history of that ride - it was the oldest roller coaster in the park!  Well this IF experience has a lot in common with that old, white roller coaster – right down to my body being the old, rickety roller coaster itself!  My emotions are the hills and valleys – the ups and downs.  My Dr, his nurse and the u/s techs are the maintenance men while the meds are the tools used to fix what’s wrong or simply maintain.  God...He’s the one manning the brakes.  He’s in control of this whole thing.  And Walleye and I, well we are the riders, we are putting our faith in Him – the one truly in control of it all.  I cannot leave out the bloggers…I think they are the other crew members.  They are welcoming and informative – their blogs being the speaker systems the crew used to inform and welcome the riders to the “Hiiiiiiggggghhhhhh Row-ller”.   Yep, I'd have to say this IF journey is most definitely like that old, white roller coaster. 

Walleye and I talked more last night about what to do in terms of the Dr.  situation. We are going to give him one more cycle and see if he/his office responsiveness is any better.  (Thank You JBTC for your suggestions -I will keep them in mind in case the next cycle isn't any better!).  I go in next Monday (05.02) for a progesterone test and then meet with the Dr. on 05.11 to go over the game plan for that cycle.

Maybe next month...

Well this cycle will have no further help from anyone other than God himself.  I am so angry and irritated with my Dr.  The lack of communication has been horrible.  I finally got to talk to the nurse yesterday afternoon and she told me that unfortunately they are out of IUI kits and have been trying to locate one for a week now and their current provider has them on back order until September...which is what "she just needed to talk to the Dr about" every time I called.  Ummm...ok BUT we hadn't confirmed we were going to go the IUI route for sure this month and if she would have just told me from the very beginning I could have let her know we were just fine doing the HCG trigger and then TIC!  Now it's too late for the trigger and my ultrasounds last week were all for nothing!  Taking the femara was all for nothing.  Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  Why on earth wouldn't you first off tell your patient what's going on and then secondly ask them if they were at all interested in just doing the trigger and TIC?!?!?  I was so excited to finally be able to try again.  (Not that we aren't trying without the trigger...miracles can happen!)  She is supposed to be calling me today to go over our next cycle's plan.  Not holding my breath on that phone call.  And even if she does follow through with her promise to call will she really know anything?  I just don't know what to do.  Do we give this Dr another shot or do we try someone closer to the cities?  Part of me thinks we should give this one another shot - we already met with him, he's done the exam and reviewed my history and he's local.  BUT maybe a Dr closer to the Twin Cities would be better.  But how long would it take to get in there?  Would i have to have yet another exam?  Do another history and work up?  It would mean at least an hour drive one way for each Dr and U/S visit.  Walleye is on the fence as well. 

I saw my surgeon's assistant yesterday and got the 6 stitches out of my hand.  Yeah!  Some restrictions were lifted but I still am not able to pinch, push, pull, grab, grasp, hold 15 lbs or greater for another 4 weeks.  I am still to do my PT exercises 3X a day.  I have to wear my brace at night but can and should take it off periodically throughout the day - except when typing.  I can type but i have to watch the swelling - if it continues to be swollen they might restrict me to 2 - 4 hours of typing a day.  Which when your job consists of 90% computer work (emails, design work, press releases, etc) that drastically cuts into ones productivity but in the long run it's best to do as they say.  It was so nice to be able to wash it!  To be able to take a shower by myself without a bag on my hand.  to be able to wash my own hair! 

Frustrated!

Still no word from my Dr.  Yesterday I got a call from a pharmacy I had never heard of and it was a pre-recorded message saying my prescription was in...only thing i can think of it was the Rx for the hcg shot as my nurse told me earlier this week they when they order it for me but i would have to pick it up myself - which is how i had done it in the past but this must be a new procedure for them.  Anywho...she never said they were for sure ordering it.  I called my Dr first thing this morning but the usual nurse is out but the receptionist said she saw a note from R (the usual nurse) to the nurse filling in that they were waiting for me to sign a form, only thing I was never told I had a form to sign.  I told the receptionist this and she said she would leave a message for nurse number 2 to call me.  Seriously...WTH!  Don't they realize this is a time sensitive period and it's a Friday and I kinda need to know what's going on.  When am I going to get the shot?  Do I need another u/s and if so when is that going to be scheduled?  I am just so frustrated.  They sure suck at communication...hoping that means they are really good at the stuff that really matters! 

Well I am off for the weekend.  We are heading to my hometown tonight for my cousin's deployment party.  He is being deployed for the third time - first time was to Italy for a year, second time was to Iraq for two years and now to Afghanistan for a year.  He leaves behind a wife, a 7 year old daughter and a 5 year old daughter.  I am so proud of him and am honored to be his cousin.  I pray for a safe deployment and that he (and his unit) return safely.  I am so thankful we are able to spend some time with him before he leaves.  Please God watch over K, his guard unit and all of their families during this difficult time of separation and possible danger.

Tomorrow is the Easter celebration with my immediate family and Sunday with the in-laws.  Not looking forward to having to hang out with L (my BILs gf) and her brood of kids (gosh I sound like I hate kids and I don't...L's are just so poorly behaved and to be honest it hurts a little to spend time with them.  I wish I could get over the jealousy of her being blessed with 4 kids when I strongly disagree with her choices and parenting.). But Walleye has to spend time with my huge family (all my aunts, uncles, cousins, their spouses and kids) tonight and my immediate family tomorrow so I guess I can't complain about a few hours on Sunday. 

Happy Easter!

Growing...

Had another u/s today and this tech wasn't very forthcoming with information.  When I asked what sizes I had she hesitated and after a little more prodding told me none bigger than 10 on my left and on the right a couple bigger than 10, ranging from 13 - 17.  She said my Dr. will call with a full analysis, to which I answered "hopefull!  he was supposed to after Monday and never did."  So I am going to give them until 3 to call me and if I haven't heard by then I am going to call! 

Right Decision?

I am wondering if we made the right decision in changing Drs.  I am not overly thrilled with the responsiveness (or lack of responsiveness) from him and his nurses.  I also am getting very frustrated with all the running around, well technically phoning around and length of time it takes to get anything done.  I am so dang frustrated.  If I liked my previous Dr. better I would see about going back to her.  I had my CD13 baseline u/s on Monday and was told my Dr.s office would be calling me - as of yesterday afternoon they hadn't called so I called them and left a message for the nurse.  When she called back she said I needed another u/s on Thursday, with a possible 3rd one on Friday and trigger either Friday or Monday.  Also, the imaging center would have to call me to set up the u/s...which as of 3:45 p.m. on Wednesday they have not...how am I supposed to get one tomorrow if it hasn't even been scheduled yet!  GRRR!!!  I suppose I should call my Dr.'s office...

And boy do I wish I could type two handed so I could beter explain/vent...

one 10 and 15 less than 10

The monitoring u/s went ok.  It was the first one at the different imaging center.  It is a brand new, beautiful center and I like that their first appt is at 7:10 a.m.  The tech was nice, thourough and talked me through everything she was doing.  It appears I have one follie at 10 (on my right side) and around 15 at less than 10.  Mr RE should be calling me with a recap and next steps.  I just hope he calls soon....hopefully being back at work will help distract me!

One handed typing leads to a short post

Carpal tunnel surgery last Monday went well.  Hard to believe it was almost a week ago!  Recovery has been really, really good thus far.  Barely any pain, thankfully, as I found out the hard way I am allergic to codiene.  The allergic reaction, all over body rash the first few days after surgery was honestly, probably the worst part of this entire experience...well that and the fact that this Miss Independent has had to rely soooo much on Walleye.  Speaking of Walleye, he has been a Godsend and I don't know what I would do without him.  He has been a fantastic caretaker, even though at times he seems a little too over-protective.  Thank you Lord  for blessing me with such a wonderful husband!

Tomorrow is CD13 and my first monitoring u/s of this cycle.  Hoping and praying and crossing my fingers that I have some nice sized follies!!! 

Bring on the weekend!

Not feeling quite so crazy today as I did yesterday.  I think partially because I have been extremely busy at work today tying up last minute odds and ends.  Warning!  Warning!  TMI ahead....AF has been extremely strange this month.  Seriously it was like two days, one of which (yesterday) was barely anything.  Like I barely even needed a tampon.  Although I usually have two - three days of decent flow and then a day of nothing and then one last day of a trickle so tomorrow it could come back.  I still haven't heard back from the U/S place about scheduleing my CD12 U/S.  I am getting impatient and a little irritated.  I suppose I should call my nurse.  I do miss the responsiveness from our last RE's office - they would schedule it when I called in to report CD1.  But the new RE doesn't have the U/S in their building so it is outsourced to a local imaging center.  What a hassle but if it has better results or I end up liking this RE better it's worth it in the long run. 

Bring on the weekend!  Walleye and I are heading to my hometown this weekend. My cousin is getting married tomorrow, on her parents wedding anniversary - how sweet is that!  Tonight we are having dinner with my niece and nephew, oh and their parents but really who wants to see their parents when K and J are so dang adorable!  Apparently J is obsessed with me.  One night he wouldn't go to sleep until he called me...the kid is only 2 1/2!  Today he didn't want to go to daycare once he heard I was coming to visit tonight. Makes me feel pretty special!  I am so looking forward to seeing them.  We are staying with my brother this weekend as my Mom is still recovering from her last hospital visit and I didn't want her to go through any additional work having us home.  My brother has been inviting us to stay with him since he bought his new house so it's about time we do.  Plus, then I get to cuddle with my niece-dog, Eva!  She's a big ol' rottweiler but has the demeaner of a cat and in fact is scared of most cats even though they are 1/20th the size she is!   We haven't hung out with my brother in a really long time so ti will be good to hang with him.  He and Walleye get along really, really well - which warms my heart to no end.  I love my big bro!

Is it wrong that I am most looking forward to this wedding tomorrow so I can wear the super cute shoes I bought for it.  Both pairs!  Yes, I bought two pairs of shoes for one wedding...but the first pair have insanely high heels so I am anticipating my feet hurting by the dance so yesterday when I found some almost identical flats for $12.99 I just had to have them too!  Both pair are a peachy-pink sparkly shoe and I adore anything pink and add sparkles and I about die!  Plus my dress is the first one I purchased in a smaller size since starting WW so I am thrilled to be able to wear it. 

Sunday we have Mass with my immediate family and then brunch before heading back home. I love going to Mass in my hometown Cathedral.  It is such a beautiful Church and being the overly sentimental person it .  After brunch it is home to get the house in order and groceries bought and get ready for Monday morning!  I have to be at the surgical center at 7:15 a.m.!

Feelin' a bit like a nut job...

Yesterday the arrival of AF filled me with so much hope and excitement for this cycle that I could barely stop myself from smiling all day and bursting at the seams.  I wanted to tell everyone and anyone it was CD1 and that we were officially going to try again this month.  Now today, that’s a completely different story!  Completely different.  Everytime a tiny little shimmer of hope slips into my mind or heart I immediately push it out and tell myself not to get too excited as this cycle probably won’t work and that I am just setting myself up for a big let down with all this hopeful thinking.  Seriously, what sane person can go from yesterday’s mood to today’s mood in a matter of less than 24 hours?!?!  Super high high to complete negative nelly!  I feel like a complete nut job! 

One more day of work until my surgery.  Is it wrong that part of me is looking forward to my surgery because it gets me away from work for an entire week, maybe two? I just need a break from my place of work.  Of course they most likely will be making an announcement on the final reorganization of the University and which jobs are being cut while I am gone.  Of all the weeks to be gone!  Oh well.  For the past year and a half that we have known cuts were coming I have not let myself get worried or bogged down with whether or not I will lose my job.  I have the mindset that I can’t change what’s going to happen so why worry about it.  Just come in do my very best every day and whatever happens will happen as part of His plan.   Back to the surgery, I am not near as nervous as I thought I would be about the surgery.  I think it helps knowing that I will be sedated.  It also helps that I have had two cousins, an aunt and my father-in-law all have the surgery.   And really, it’s such a minor surgery!  In the grand scheme of things there could be a lot worse things to have to have surgery for and a lot higher risk surgeries to have to have. 

I have been stockpiling movies on our DVR to watch during my week off and I have a list a mile long of movies I want to rent from RedBox…because really whatelse will I really be able to do?  I am hoping I might be able to figure out a way to scrapbook.  I am going to make myself go on a walk every day (weather permitting).  I have a stack of books I want to dive into!  And I am going to cuddle and nap with my kitties every chance I get.  Yep, this girl’s gonna milk this minor hand surgery for all it’s worth!

FINALLY!

AF finally showed this morning!  Day 17 after ceasing Provera.  I'm not going to lie I was beginning to freak out.  17 days, two negative HPTs, PMS symptoms but no AF. I was beginning to think there might be something seriously wrong, in addition to my current IF problems, with me. I was getting so down that we wouldn't be able to try this month and would have to continue to wait. I am so relieved.  Relieved because it most likely means there isn't anything more seriously wrong with me (although I am going to ask my RE).  Relieved because we don't have to wait much longer to try.  Relieved (TMI warning) because now I won't have to worry about how to change a tampon with a bum hand!  I was really beginning to wonder about that last one...how in the world was I going to use tampons after my surgery.  I am beginning to wonder about how I am going to do a lot things for a while after my surgery. 

Next steps are to call my RE to schedule my U/S around CD12 and starting CD5 take Femara for 5 days.  I am so excited to finally being on the road to officially trying again. 

I owe the Lord a big hearty THANK YOU!  

Day 16

It is officially day 16 after ceasing the Provera and nothing!  Absolutely nothing other than some PMS symptoms.  POAS again this morning just to make sure before I called my RE.  Negative.  Again not crushed by that news (or lack there of) but I am really getting frustrated.  Here it is the first month we can “try” again and we hit a wall.  I just don’t understand.  I don’t get it.  Why?  Have I done something to deserve this? Is this God’s way to telling us we aren’t ready or worthy of being parents?  I am trying my hardest to believe that God has a plan and His will is best but it’s really hard. I’ve always wanted to be a Mom.  Walleye wants to be a Dad and he would be a great Dad. I feel horrible…what if he never gets that chance?  And all because of me and stupid PCOS.  It’s my fault.  He’s wonderful and says that if we don’t have kids it’s not the end of the world but I know…I see the excitement and desire in his eyes to have kids.  I just wish I had known before we got married – I feel like he is getting cheated.  Like he should have known prior to us getting married so he would have had the chance to back out – not that I think he would have but it’s so unfair that he didn’t have all the facts before hand.  I blame myself for not getting my irregular periods checked out sooner.  I blame myself for not working harder to lose more weight.  (Incidently I have gained 5 pounds so am now only down 21 pounds, which is making me feel even more guilty and worse.)  I wonder if I would have led a more Christian life through out college if maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with this now.  I know it’s not healthy to dwell on this and think of all the what-if’s, but I just can’t seem to help it. 

So, back to the point.  I called my RE today and left a message for the nurse to call me back.  Hopefully she calls me back soon – although my RE is out today so I won’t get any sort of answer or next step until tomorrow at the earliest.  More waiting…