I don't even know where to start. Or really even what to say.
I finally felt like I could talk to Duckie without crying a few days after getting the initial news so I gave him a call and it was good to talk to him. He sounded a bit deflated (who wouldn't!) but still positive. I don't know if he was trying to stay positive and strong for me or if he really is doing as good as he seems to. And because G and I had nothing planned on my day off on that Friday two days later we headed to my parents for Friday until Saturday. My sister, cousin and I went to the area Relay for Life with Duckie that night. Again, his strength amazed me. He wanted to go at a certain time because his favorite cancer nurse was in the dunk tank and he wanted to dunk her. Mission accomplished - only needed three of the 30 balls he got for his 20$. It was good to spend some time with him, my parents and sister.
The cancer has spread to his brain (which we knew - three spots, one the size of my Dad's thumb nail), liver, lungs and bone for sure. He didn't give me much more detail than that. I asked my parents, both seperately, just how bad it was and they both had the same answer: "Bad, really bad".
He is did two weeks of radiation and then had a second opinion at the Ma.yo. His insurance approved him for the new, uber expensive drug (Zel.boraf which I read costs $9,400 a week but my Mom heard $9,800 a month!) but haven't told him how much his copay will be. Right now the drug company gave him a month's worth. He takes 4 pills twice a day. I don't know how long he will be on it. About 50% of patients who take it extend their life by some degree - haven't really taken the time to find out exactly how long.
He's starting to feel tired and naseaus. Last weekend at my parents was the first I had seen him since he lost his hair (from the radiation).
He didn't ask "how long" he has - said that he had been feeling so good (up until the side effects of the drug started in), ironically, that he didn't want to know. He also mentioned that they never know for sure how long a person really has. I can't blame him - I wouldn't want to know...well maybe I would. I don't know.
It’s just so surreal…so different when it’s your brother and when you are in your 30s and he’s in his 40s. When my Grandpa F had cancer and we knew it wasn’t treatable it was sad and hard but he was 70 some and a Grandparent so you just sort of know he’s going to pass away but you don’t expect your brother to be sick and facing death at 46.
I keep wondering if we will have any more Thanksgivings or Christmasses with him, will this be the last family reunion he'll make it to and will G ever get to know him. That's the killer - when I think of that one it gets me every time. Every.time.
(You have to forgive me for being so all over the board - I hope I am making at least a little sense!)
