First "IF" Christmas and Crying Breakdown...

My first official “infertile” Christmas has come and gone.  It wasn’t nearly as hard as I anticipated it to be.  I thought for sure it would be a super hard Christmas because I was so certain a few months ago that we’d be pregnant by the holidays and would be able to tell our parents in a fun way at Christmas that they were going to be Grandparents.  I also thought for sure it would be hard at my in laws with the BIL’s girlfriend’s brood of kids – I told my husband that I sure hoped they didn’t open all their gifts when we were there as I didn’t think I could stand watching some random kids I’ve met three times open gift after gift.  But luckily for me three of the four kids were gone by the time we got there!  But thankfully Christmas with my in laws wasn’t as bad as I anticipated.  I’ll admit I was dreading going to Christmas lunch at my in laws, especially after my BIL asked DH if we could stay that night and hang out…meaning spending hours upon hours with the “girlfriend” and her kids.  At the time I didn’t know that the Dads would pick up the girls in the afternoon.  We spent about 12 hours at my BILs – staying until 1:30 a.m. playing video games and you know it was somewhat fun (I attribute that to the amount of beer and wine I had). 

I did have one breakdown on Christmas Day during our two hour drive from my parents to my BILs house.  I started crying and crying hard and couldn’t stop.  I had no idea why I was crying.  DH thought it was because we were having a spat about leaving late but that wasn’t it.  Part of me thinks it was because for some reason this year was really hard to not spend all of Christmas with my family.  In the past we would do just my immediate family on Christmas Eve, then go to my Mom’s side for Christmas Day lunch with my tons of Aunts, Uncles and cousins and then go to my Dad’s side for Chirstmas Day supper, again with all my aunts, uncles and numerous cousins.  Well we haven’t done that for probably 6 or 7 years but we still kept Christmas Eve for just my immediate family.  Then I met DH and the first year (2007) we went to my parents for Christmas Eve and left after presents because my DH wasn’t feeling well.  We did Christmas Day with his family.  The next year (2008) we did Christmas Eve with my family and left Christmas morning to spend Christmas evening with his parents as his BIL and then-girlfriend left for Mexico with her family on Christmas Eve.  Christmas 2009 we spent Christmas Eve and Day with my family as we got snowed in and had plans with his family for that weekend as my BIL was going to his then-girlfriend’s family for Christmas Day.  So I am not sure why I was having such a hard time this year because we still got to do my favorite part with my family – Christmas Eve supper, Mass and presents.  Maybe it was because we didn’t go to the Church I grew up attending for Christmas Eve Mass and went to a different time than we usually did.  Or maybe it was because unlike every year for as long as I can remember we didn’t watch “A Christmas Story” after opening presents because we had to leave to get to midnight Mass (which was at 10 pm).  Or maybe it’s because my Mom is sicker than she has ever been and it’s so noticeable how downhill she is going and it worries me. Or maybe it is because we aren’t pregnant yet.  Or maybe I am just over emotional (nah, that’d never happen…said with sarcasm).  All I know is I cried and cried for a good 20 minutes on the drive and my poor husband had no idea how to help. 

Speaking of breakdowns…all day I’ve felt as though I’ve been on the brink of another crying breakdown.  I feel like the flood gates could open at any second and not sure I would know how to shut them when they did!  In fact right now I want nothing more than to shut my office door and cry my eyes out.  I have no idea why.  I am suspecting that maybe AF is on her way…if my body worked as it should, she should come a knockin’ by a week from today…so maybe it’s PMS?  That is the only thing I can think of.  Hopefully whatever it is passes soon….

Grandmas...

One of the hardest things for me is to be patient.  I’ve always been a very impatient person and even more so with IF.  I have a hard time with the fact that we can only “try” once a month and that each month we “fail” brings me that much closer to being too old.  I have a hard time waiting to “try” again until I lose enough weight and know that I am doing all I can to lose the weight in a healthy way so that it stays off…but it just doesn’t happen quick enough for me.  Nothing in this IF journey happens quick enough for me.  The other thing that makes it really hard for me to be patient during all of this is that there are two ladies out there longing to be Grandmothers just as much as I long to be a mother!  My mom and my MIL.  Normally I would not worry so much about their having to wait but in both cases neither of them are well and I worry that if this doesn’t happen soon one or both of them won’t be around to meet their grandchild(ren). 

My Mom has COPD, emphysema, Type II Diabetes, amongst other things.  I’ve noticed she has really gone downhill the past year or so.  Her Dr. has told her she needs to be on oxygen full time now.  For the past two years or so she has been on oxygen just when she was at home and at night when she sleeps but now she needs to have portable oxygen with her wherever she goes.  Simple things like vacuuming and sweeping, going up stairs, being out in the cold or heat, walking from the house to the car in the garage are hard for her to do now.  I don’t think she’s in any immediate danger of passing away but I want her to be able to enjoy her grandchild(ren) and get to know them. 

My MIL has MS and is confined to a wheel chair and only has very limited use of her arms – basically enough to itch her nose or push up her sunglasses.  She also has a tumor growing on her brain that has caused her to go blind.  And over the past 6 months she has been rushed to the ER for seizures and for the past week has been in the hospital.  She had a grand mal seizure while there and the Drs are pretty certain she has been having smaller seizures off and on for quite some time.  They think it’s the tumor growing but because of her MS treatments such as radiation, chemotherapy and surgery aren’t really options as her body probably can’t handle any of them.  Isn’t it enough that she’ll never be able to see or hold her grandchildren… 

It deeply saddens me and breaks my heart that it is a real possibility that if we do ever have children one or both of them might never meet their grandchildren.  How is this fair to them or our future children?!?!

Why do we, our entire family, have to go through this?  Why??? 

Minus 20

Gee that could be two things here today…the windchill and the number of pounds I’ve lost since 9.10.10!  I’m not too thrilled with the first one (I hate the cold and miss my 90 degree days immensely!!!) but extremely happy (and proud) of the second one.  My Dr. told me after the September cycle didn’t work that she wasn’t seeing me again until I had lost 25 – 35 pounds.  I sure hope she goes with the 25 pounds as I am really hoping that we can try for the January cycle and if I can keep it up at 2+ pounds a week I should be at minus 25 by the January cycle!!! 

I think I’ve mentioned it before but I am following Weight Watchers to lose weight.  My sister started in January 2009 and to date has lost over 110 pounds!  I am so proud of her.  I am so in awe of her.  I am so jealous of her!  It’s nice having had her go through it so I have someone I can talk to and ask questions (because I don’t do meetings).  But now they’ve gone and changed the points program to points plus and I am not liking it one bit.  It’s more complicated and harder to follow (I think).  And I guess I don’t do all that well with change.  But really that was the big selling point for me was how simple it was.  I am begrudgingly trying (somewhat) to follow it.  I am hoping with time it will become as second nature as the original points program became. 

I have to admit I am enjoying the results.  My pants are really starting to hang on me.  Shirts fit better.  I am on the first notch in my belt.  I think I even am seeing a little tiny bit of difference in pictures too!  It’s also motivating! 

The best part is I know that even if it doesn’t help with my IF it is helping with my overall health and well-being.  So it may have stemmed from IF but it is definitely not because of IF and that to me is a wonderful thing…something in my mind that doesn’t totally revolve around IF.  

"Unfair" train has not left the station

Since I was on the “unfair” train yesterday I thought I’d carry it over another day…this time it’s about a friend, well I guess now she is more of an acquaintance.  Back, shortly after I graduated from college, I went out on a quasi-date with one of her brother’s friends.  It wasn’t a huge deal and I wasn’t that into him so when they had a one night stand shortly after this quasi-date it didn’t bother me.  But when she got pregnant and had an abortion that bothered me.  I don’t believe in abortion.  As much as I want to, I won’t get on my soap box and will just leave it as, I don’t’ believe in abortion.  I never really talked to her about her options – she was pretty set from the get go to have an abortion.  I know now I should have tried but at the time I just didn’t feel right (and I knew I wouldn’t be able to listen to her subjectively).  I should have told her I thought her choice was selfish…if she didn’t love the father and didn’t want to be a single mother then at least carry the baby to term and give him or her up for adoption.  Think about someone other than herself and what an inconvenience she felt this baby would be. I was truly angry with her and disgusted by her lack of morals.  As time went on I found it easier and easier to dismiss my anger and disgust and push her abortion out of my mind.  Then she got married (to a man who I think had got a girl pregnant once and she had an abortion too) and she went baby crazy.  They had some troubles getting pregnant and she had a miscarriage.  Eventually she had a baby.  And you want to know what, the whole time they were suffering with infertility a little part of me couldn’t help but think “well, if you wouldn’t have so easily discarded your first child’s life maybe you wouldn’t have such a hard time”   I know they struggled and it wasn’t easy for them but I can’t help but think how unfair it is that someone who could so easily kill an innocent child can now be blessed with a child.  I should really look at it from a more Christian way – in that our God is so great that he is willing to forgive them for their horrendous sins and bless them with a child. 

Gosh, this post makes me seem like I think I am saint and have never done anything wrong…I hope you know that I know I have not lead the life of a saint and have committed my fair share of sins.    

So unfair...

My BIL has a new girlfriend (we’ll call her L)– well actually they have been dating since August so I guess she really isn’t all that new anymore.  I have a hard time accepting her.  She is around 30 and has four kids with three dads.  Never married to any of them.  She had the oldest in high school, who I think is around 13.  The next oldest is 6, then 4, then 19 months.  She may be a nice person but I just can not give her a chance and I know I should but I just can’t.  I find it extremely unfair that she was blessed with FOUR kids without being in a committed relationship (i.e. marriage) with ANY of the fathers.  I don’t understand how DH and I are having to struggle with infertility when we are doing this “the right way” – in a committed, married way.  Really, FOUR kids with THREE dads?  Did she not learn?  Did she not care?  Did she not think about the life those kids will have? 

I also have a hard time with it because I am not sure about her as a mother.  I know I am not a parent and that I should not judge one’s parenting skills when I don’t have kids myself but I just really disagree with her parenting, or lack thereof.  Within two weeks of meeting my BIL she took a two week vacation to go to Sturgis with him and my FIL.  Yes, after only having known him for about two weeks. The kids were shuttled back and forth between their Dads’ and her sister’s houses the entire time.  And the kicker was the day they were supposed to come home they were too tired to ride all that way so took an extra few days and took their time coming home.  Really?!?!  You have FOUR kids at home who need you and probably miss you!  Then after they got home they were telling us stories about the trip and showing us pictures that were not suitable for kids but yet her oldest was right there and checking out every picture, hearing every story – and this is Sturgis people!  It’d be like me telling my WeFest stories and showing those pictures.  Yes, in college and a few years after I was a partier but I didn’t have kids and I sure didn’t blab about my partying experience to underage kids. 

Then one day we were working on my BIL’s rental house and she had all four kids there, which is fine, however, she was too busy working to watch her kids and the two youngest were outside playing in the yard and street without any adult supervision.  At one point that afternoon she swore in front of them like it was no big deal – it was obvious it didn’t just slip out – but when one of her kids swore they got yelled at.  Which, yes they should but doesn’t she think about the role model she is?   Not to mention she actually swore at, yes AT, one of them.   They hear her swear so of course they are going to think it’s ok. 

They are constantly talking back – especially the oldest.  I realize at that age it’s pretty common but I don’t think they have had the discipline to know better.  Growing up, and even now, I would never even dream about talking back to my parents, let alone any adult.  I also wouldn’t even dream of swearing in front of them, much less to them.

Another thing that I have a hard time swallowing is we were having a conversation one time about her job and how hard it is for her as a SINGLE mother of FOUR kids.  Which I am sure it is but you know what, tough cookies!  That was her choice.  She was the one who wasn’t smart enough or didn’t care enough to wait to have sex, or to use birth control, or to wait to have kids until she was married.

Maybe I am being nit-picky or I am so jealous I am looking for things to make me dislike her and not give her a chance.  But I just can’t seem to wrap my head around why she can have all these kids and we have none.

My biggest fear is that my BIL is going to get her pregnant and that it happens before we get pregnant.  I don’t think I can handle that.  Yes, every child is a blessing and I will love my niece or nephew but it will be so, so hard to accept and deal with. 

I also need to work on giving these kids a chance.  I find myself shutting myself off from them and not trying to get to know them.  I have a “niece” and “nephew” – technically they are my cousin’s kids but my cousin and are as close as sisters – and I would do anything for them and love them to pieces.  I look forward to spending time with them and to spoiling them.  But with L’s kids I just can’t.  It took all I had to buy them Christmas presents.  I didn’t want to but my sister helped me realize that they are just kids, they didn’t ask for this and how can you not get them gifts for Christmas.  I find myself getting very bucky when it comes to having to schedule things with her in mind.  For example, Christmas…I found myself not caring when would work for her and her brood of kids to celebrate with my husband’s family.  I didn’t want us to have to plan our celebration around her but soon realized that it’s not fair to my BIL to not care about when works for someone he cares about.  I already have a hard enough time not being able to spend all of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family and I think having to work her into the picture made it worse. 

I must sound horrendous and like the worse person in the world.  I really am not, or maybe I am and I just don’t want to see it.  But I am going to try, real hard, to work on accepting her, her kids and the whole unfair and immoral situation. 

It could be worse....

In all my recent days filed with misery and pain and sorrow I came to the realization today that I could have it much worse.  A high school friend of mine emailed me on Facebook today to ask if I had something I needed to tell her and that she thought she had missed something.  I had no idea what she was referring to but thought it might have something to do with being pregnant.  Turns out she had a hunch that I was pregnant and then realized she hadn’t seen any posts about alcohol on my facebook page in quite some time so thought her hunch was true.  I didn’t realize I had that many posts regarding alcohol and when I questioned her she assured me I really didn’t but that with my birthday having been two weeks ago and having gone to a Vikings game this last weekend not a single thing was mentioned about celebrating either so she thought maybe, just maybe…but I squashed that pretty quick.  So our emailing goes back and forth and she goes on to say she will pray for us and that she understands as they are trying (for number 3) and that she had a miscarriage shortly before Thanksgiving.  (She also had one a few years ago before #2 was conceived.)  My heart broke for her and it was then I realized that I could have it worse.  Much worse.  I have never had a miscarriage.  I have been spared the pain, loss and agony of that very unfortunate and horrible experience.  And for that I am thankful.  I just hope I can keep that perspective when I start throwing myself pity parties or become Debby Downer when a cycle doesn’t work. 

Tough Weekend

This weekend was hard.  Really hard.  I was overly emotional, hyper-sensitive and just plain crazy.  I was really beginning to worry that 7 days after stopping with Provera AF hadn’t shown up.  I wondered a few times if it was a miracle and that I would test and get a BFP but then every time I thought that I would convince myself that I am not that lucky and it was really because I have dried up and will never be able to have children. 

So I was dealing with all that and then my husband’s friend’s wife asked me to host a tastefully simple party at my house – she would do all the work if she could have it there.  Trying to be the good wife and try to be friends with my husband’s friend’s wife (let’s call her S) I said yes.  A couple problems…I am a planner…a planner with OCD!  She is not a planner…she does not have OCD.  I like to know who is coming and when.  I like to have my house spotless anytime anyone comes over.  I like to be sure to have enough food and beverages for all attending and get any special drinks for my guests.  But she didn’t tell me any of it.  I didn’t know if she was making the food or bringing the ingredients or even beverages.  I didn’t know who she had all invited and who was coming.  I didn’t know what time she and the consultant were showing up.  So Friday night I did some cleaning, ok more than some!  Saturday morning I woke up all tense and ready to go and my poor DH woke up and wanted to cuddle but I was too on edge and not ready for the party that afternoon.  So after a little spat and plenty of tears from me I got everything in order, ran my errands and waited.  She showed up about 20 minutes before the party was to start and about 10 minutes after it started when our one mutual friend (let’s call her M) showed up she said that was all that was coming.  Really?  All that work for one person – not that I was happy to see her or our mutual friend but it just seemed like too much work for not enough return. 

On top of all that both of these friends (the second one is also the wife of my husband’s friend) had babies about 4 months old.  They both got pregnant right around the time of our wedding…in fact we even joke that S got pregnant the night of our wedding.  Well anyways they both brought their adorable infants – which I am so glad they did as I hadn’t seen either baby since October when we had our wedding party over for a BBQ.  (Both their husbands were groomsmen in our wedding).  But then the consultant was also a Mom and all day, for over three hours the conversation was 95% about babies, pregnancy and kids.  It was hard.  Just plain hard.  S asked me after if I was doing ok and apologized that it was so much baby talk and really I’m glad it was and that they brought the babes but it was just so much harder than I thought. Probably because I was so over emotional – oh and AF showed up that morning. 

I was so overemotional that that evening when DH final got home from ice fishing and he asked me how it went I burst into tears and just started bawling.  Oh and back up…right before the party my husband, S’s husband and I were in the kitchen, I had made them some lunch and their mutual friend (the husband of my stylist) showed up (they were all three going ice fishing) and made the announcement that they were expecting.  I knew it was coming.  I was ready for it.  But it still stung.  I am super happy and excited for them but it was just another thing to deal with on Saturday.

OK so Sunday was supposed to be a super fun day!  My cousin (and really good friend and like a sister to me) K and I bought tickets to go to a Viking’s game with our husbands.  We were stoked!  We were going to tailgate before the game and then go to the game, tailgate after and head home.  Well we did a TTC cycle in the fall and I was so sure it was going to work that I had it all planned out in my head that we would tell them the good news at the game.  I even had our Christmas card/pregnancy announcement all planned out around this game.  Well I was bummed when it didn’t work and I thought I would have enough time to mentally prepare for it.  Then K had to cancel on the tailgating…so that was a bummer.  Then the morning of the game she called and my poor little niece (her daughter and the flower girl from our wedding) was sick and they weren’t sure they would make it.  And K was sick.  So add all that to an already emotional me and oiy not good!  Well we eventually get to the game and for the past few days I had been asking DH if we could get our picture taken near the field wearing Santa hats and use it as a Christmas card but long story short once we got there he said no.  He didn’t want his picture taken in front of all those people.  I about lost it.  Finally I decided enough we enough and I was just going to enjoy the day (and hopefully a win) and I put my “good attitude pants” on and had a good time.  Until 3^rd quarter when the 13 year old behind me puked all over me.  Not even kidding.  About 2 minutes before she yakked on us K said “oh my the girl behind you just puked” and the mom didn’t even take her out to the bathroom, instead she let her sit there and then projectile puke onto the people in front of her.  It was the grossest feeling in the world.  All of a sudden I feel this smattering of warmth on my back and then cold as it soaks through my jersey, my long sleeve t-shirt, my tank top and my bra strap.  It was in my pants, my underwear, and my hair.  It got on and in my purse, my pom pons, my camera, and my Santa hats and on K.  The mother never once apologized.  K and I went to the bathroom to try to wash it off as much as we could (and I needed to strip down to my hoodie – thank goodness I had my zip up sweatshirt on the chair next to me under all my other stuff that got puked on).  I guess the Mom and daughter sat there for quite a while before finally going to the bathroom.  So the last 1 ½ quarters of the game were essentially ruined.  It was horrible.  No it was worse than that.  (OK maybe I am being a little over dramatic). 

So as you can see…this weekend was not on my top 10 of weekends.  Huh.  Hopefully things turn around.  They’ve gotta, right? 

Monday’s are my weigh in day.  My Dr. wants me to lose between 25 and 40 lbs. before we can try again.  So I started Weight Watchers in September…my sister lost over 110 lbs. on WW since January 2009 so I figured if she can do that I can do 25 – 40 lbs.!  Then WW went and changed their points plan to pointsplus and I don’t like the changes.  Not one bit.  I was just getting the points down and they go and change it.  So last week was my “f---it” week and I didn’t try very hard.  So this morning I was scared to death to get on that scale…but I did and you know what…I was down 1.5 lbs. from last Monday!  That’s 19 total since September 9!  So things might just be starting to look up…I sure hope so!

Hodge-podge

This post is going to be a random, hodge-pode of things....bear with me!  :)

Well the cut and color went well.  She didn't tell me she was pregnant and I pretended not to know...although I did try my hardest to get her to come clean by throwing out certain topics of conversation but if she wasn't ready to tell she wasn't ready to tell.  I can understand that.  J and I have already said if we are ever so fortunate to get pregnant we won't tell anyone until at the very earliest 12 weeks. 

I didn't get AF last month and got a BFN a few weeks ago so my Dr. had me take Provera since AF was late (although with my body I was never regular enough to consider AF ever late).  Well I took my last Provera pill last Friday and still no AF.  I thought it was 3 - 5 days after but I've ready it can be as much as 14 days after.  Bummer.  I wanted to get AF over with!  There is a part of me that even though I know it's not possible I can't help but hope and pray and think maybe, just maybe, miracles of miracles I haven't gotten it yet because I got pregnant since my blood test on 11.15.  I am sure any day now AF will show up and squash those dreams...

My Dr. is not "letting" us medically try again until I lose more weight.  I say "medically" try meaning with all the drugs - we certainly can try without and will.  I have been working hard at losing weight - down 17.5 lbs since September but the Dr. wants me to lose between 25 - 30 lbs before we will "officially" try again.  My sister had great success with WeightWatchers - since January 2009 she has lost 110 lbs and ever since she joined I have dabbled with it off and on but got serious about it in September when the Dr. told me she wouldn't work with me until I dropped some lbs.  I was getting so good at it and having success and now WW went and changed the points program.  GRRR!  I do not like the new PointsPlus program, not at all!  It will be harder and more work and I just don't like it.  Sure I got more daily and weekly points but most things (except fruits and most veggies) have higher values now.  But I am going to suck it up and keep trying to follow it and have faith that the creators were doing it for a better reason than to get more money out of people (i.e. making current members buy new calculators and all that jazz). 

On the upside only 1.5 days until the weekend.  I love weekends.  I wish I didn't have to go to work every day.  I know how lucky and blessed I am to have a job, and a decent job at that but I just don't love it.  I find it hard to go to work most days or stay at work.  I blame some of it on one of my past jobs - it was my dream job and I absolutely LOVED it.  I had tons of friends there, we were like sisters (it was mainly all women I worked with) and I met one of my best girlfriends there and we got to work together.  I got to work in an industry that was my biggest hobby - so everyday going to work was like doing my hobby.  I got to travel.  A TON!  I think the other part is I feel like I am in over my head at my current job.  My title is so much bigger than my qualifications and that freaks me out.  It's also not very stable right now and a reorganization is in the works so that scares me - after having been laid off from my previous two jobs due to reorganizations I am bound to be a little skiddish!  I just need to keep telling myself just how lucky I am and that there are plenty of people out there who would kill for a job.  I've thought about looking for another job but I honestly don't know what I want to do. I would like to go back to school and get my masters or a second degree but have no idea in what.  I thought nursing but I can't handle blood and guts.  I thought teaching but then remember that was my major at one point in college and after a practicum found out I really didn't like it.  So for now I will just try my best to give it my all, make the most out of it and remember how blessed I am.

Well I'm afraid I have written a short novel so I will sign off for now....