His voice...

tonight will be one month since the last time I heard Duckie's voice.  One whole month.  How can that be?  He was interviewed on the local news a few years back about his job - it's on my DVR.  Locked, so it can't be deleted.  I have a voicemail from him on my cell phone from this fall.  I hit save every time I get the noticed it's about to expire.  I haven't watched or listened to either yet, I am not sure I can but I am keeping them so I never forget his voice.  Thankfully I can still hear when I remember him.  But it's only been a month...already been a month.

Saturday will be one month since he passed away and the last time I ever saw his earthly body. 

This past month has been a blur.  The first few weeks after he passed away I don't remember much and what I do remember I can't tell you what happened when - days seem to have melded together into one long, exhausting, nightmarish day. 

What I do remember is the outpouring of love, support and prayers myself and my family have received. 

I never before in my life have felt the prayers of loved ones, friends, family and even perfect strangers as strong as I have this past month.

And for that I am grateful.

As much as Lucky has helped me get through this, the love, prayers and support of others have as well. 

There have been so many nice gestures - food being given to us, flowers/plants, memorial donations, a gift card to a local nursery, trinkets, phone calls, emails, texts, hugs and prayers. 

I got an out-of the-blue call from a friend whom I hadn't seen in months, the other day.  She wanted to get together and have drinks or dinner.  I know she's busy and lives almost an hour from me. 

The flowers Walleye brought me the other day because I was having a sad day.  Purple and pink daisies. 

The "Beloved Brother" stone my dear friend gave me this week. The day after I got a gift card to the local nursery where we plan on buying some bushes or a tree in honor of Duckie.  And now that stone can go by whatever we purchase.

The random "thinking of you today"  or "how are you doing" texts and emails I get from various people any given day. 

The list could go on and on.  It helps, it may hurt or bring me to tears at the time but it helps. And I am truly grateful. 

But dang it I still miss him.  And it still hurts so much.  Please tell me it gets easier? 

God's plan and ever perfect timing

During our IF struggles I clung to what so many others were telling me – that God has a plan and if his plan includes a baby for Walleye and I it would be in his time and that timing would be perfect.  I tried so hard to hold onto, to believe it and to be comforted by it. 

To be honest once we got pregnant I didn’t really think much more about it.  I was grateful for Lucky and realized that we were pretty “lucky” in that we only had to wait not quite a year and a half when others have had to wait so much longer. 

I enjoyed every minute of my pregnancy and have enjoyed every day of the last 10 months since Lucky was born.  Not really ever thinking about the timing but always being thankful He answered our prayers and made us parents.

We got pregnant a few months after Duckie found out about the cancer.  My sister and I talked a few times about how thankful we were to have my pregnancy to help bring joy and excitement for our family when talking about the future.  We both felt it was just what our family needed during such a sad time.  It was a glimmer of hope and joy for the future.

Once Lucky was born I didn’t really give it much more thought.  Even when we got bad news that his year of three times a week shots didn’t work, and each time we heard the cancer had spread again. Each time a treatment failed.  Lucky was always there and was always a bright spot in my day but I didn’t really think about the timing of everything.

Even the blur of the first few days and weeks after Duckie passed away we all said we were thankful for the distraction Lucky brought but it really didn’t dawn on me until yesterday.  I don’t know why yesterday, not quite a month to the date of Duckie’s passing, but yesterday it really hit me how perfect God’s plan is.    

I honestly don’t know what my family and I would have done this Christmas without her.  I just can’t help but truly believe that all along God knew that we needed her, at the age she is now, to get us through Christmas – and quite honestly Duckie’s courageous battle with and eventual death from cancer.

She is at such a fun age right now.  Her smile can melt even the coldest of hearts.  She’s showing her personality more and more each day.  She didn’t quite “get” Christmas this year but she was a lot more fun than, say a 2 month old would have been.  (Nothing against 2 month olds!) She’s hitting new milestones – more teeth, crawling, self-feeding bits and pieces, etc – and they are fun (well ok maybe not the teething!) and exciting and for just a minute they help me forget the huge hole in my heart. 

This is a long one...

So much has happened in the two months and two days since I posted last.  It’s really hard to believe that it has only been two months.  It feels like a lifetime.

I wish I could say those two months were filled with many happy times and that I wasn’t writing this with a completely broken and shattered heart and spirit.

The second week of November Lucky got sick. At the same time Walleye and I were sick.  We thought it was just another ear infection but when she started having diarrhea and projectile vomiting.  Add in that noises, not necessarily loud noises, startled her and she seemed to have a stiff neck.  We took her to her pediatrician who right away could tell she was very sick and within 15 minutes had us on our way to the ER to be tested for meningitis.  It was so severe the Pediatrician asked if we wanted an ambulance but we figured it would be quicker if we took her ourselves right then and the pediatrician made sure one of us sat in the back with her to watch her.  It was so scary. 

So after an agonizing drive across town we go to the ER and was rushed in and they started tests on her.  Including the spinal tap.  It was horrific.  The test came back at a 7 and anything over a 5 they have to culture and watch for a few days.  They said it could have been partially treated meningitis but that they weren’t sure – Lucky had been on and off antibiotics for a couple weeks prior and had just started a new antibiotic for the ear infection two days prior.  So they admitted her to the hospital while they waited for the culture results.

Over the next few days her fever rose and fell numerous times, she had an IV with fluids and antibiotics and stayed in the hospital – where we never left her side.  After 72 hours of nothing growing in the cultures the Dr. said if she started eating better they’d let her go and were just chalking it up to a bad viral infection.  I don’t know if she understood the Dr. or what but that very next meal she ate like a rock star and we were out of the hospital 18 hours later! 

Thankfully Lucky recovered and recovered quite quickly but she is not at all fond of people in blue scrubs or white lab coats.  I would not be either after all the poking and prodding she had to go through at such a young age.  We are so grateful she made a full recovery.  

During that time Walleye had to have an abscess drained and all the “fun” that goes along with that.  And I battled a pretty nasty cold.  

The Tuesday before Thanksgiving Duckie had some tests done and we found out the cancer had spread again (brain, bone, and liver) and that they were going to up his pills again.  They suggested he go to the Mayo or U of M to discuss other treatments.  He chose the U and had an appointment the end of November. 

We were able to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner with my parents, sister and brother and then Thanksgiving supper with Walleye’s parents, brother and aunt.  Black Friday my sister and sister/cousin/best friend and I were able to do our annual Black Friday shopping. 

After Thanksgiving, Duckie went to his appointment at the U and they gave him a couple options.  He chose the one that would allow him to not have a hospital stay and to be able to get the treatment in our home town.  He did not want to have to continue to go to the cities, a two hour one way drive, for treatment.  He felt strongly that he should get treatment in our hometown hospital at their cancer center.  I can’t blame him one bit. 

So insurance, the U and our hometown hospital got to work getting things set up for treatment.  It would be a couple weeks.

In the meantime Walleye ended up having to have surgery on the abscess as it didn’t heal.  He needed to be off work for at least a week and change and pack the dressing numerous times a day.  He needed to take a shower and sitz bath after every bowel movement and was in quite a bit of pain.

Two days later Duckie was scheduled to start his first treatment of this brand new chemo. 

They tried to get the chemo in his arm but had a hard time getting the IV in and once they finally did when they flushed it his arm swelled up.  Then they decided to try the foot.  They were able to get the IV in the foot quickly and easily but right before they were to administer the chemo they were told it was not allowed to be administered into the foot.  We haven’t heard why.  So they decided to put a port in. 

By that point Duckie had had enough and said he wanted to just come back the next day but apparently the chemo was good only for that day and they nurses kept telling him it was so expensive that they really should do it that day.  He finally agreed.  Then it was a matter of finding a Dr. that could put one in that day yet.  Finally mid-afternoon a Dr. agreed to rework his schedule and fit it in.  So Duckie went to surgery.

During surgery he aspirated.  All he had eaten or drank all day was a half a can of diet root beer at 9:30 am but still he vomited during surgery and aspirated, getting stomach fluid into his lungs.

Then things started going downhill.  Our local hospital didn’t feel they were capable to treat Duckie and they moved him to a larger hospital 45 minutes away.  At about 7 pm that night the Dr. told my parents to call Duckie’s siblings as they weren’t sure he’d make it through the night.

So I threw a few clothes in a bag, kissed Walleye good bye and headed to visit Duckie.  When I got there he was on a ventilator and had all sorts of tubes and wires everywhere and was unconscious.  They had him in the ICU, sedated and paralyzed so if he did wake up he wouldn’t try to pull any of the tubes and wires out.  

About 2 am the nurses kicked us out and said that we should go home, get some rest and come back in the morning around 9 when they did rounds.  We were back by 8 am and Duckie was starting to come to.  He was responding to our voices and as the day progressed he seemed to be getting better. 

We had an onslaught of family stop by throughout the day.  Most of my aunts and uncles.  Some of our closer cousins.  At one point they almost kicked us out of the ICU for having too many visitors and being too loud.  It sure helped though.  Maybe not Duckie but it helped us to have family around. 

Finally around 6 that night they pulled the tubes and he was able to breathe on his own.  He was really weak and they asked that we leave so he could rest.  It was such a relief to see him without all those tubes and wires.

I was back by 7 am the next morning and he was sitting up in a chair, drinking coffee.  I walked in and said “Good Morning Dorkbutt” – which is what I’ve always called him.  His response was to flip me the bird – a true Duckie response!  Never before in my life has being flipped off made me happier!  I didn’t stay too long as he was pretty weak and tired and was going to get back into bed. 

That was on a Friday.  December 14^th.  Lucky’s 9 month birthday.  I went home and Walleye, Lucky and I were going to go back down that Saturday to visit but the weather didn’t cooperate and we had a family meal with Walleye’s parents and great aunt and uncle that next day.  But I called Duckie on Saturday but had woken him up so didn’t talk long.  Sunday he wasn’t taking visitors or phone calls as he wanted to rest.   

Monday night, December 17^th, I chatted with Duckie for a bit.  Told him about Lucky’s latest developments and said I would call again soon and that I loved him.  He said I love you back – which is huge because he’s not really an express how he feels kind of guy.  That day was the 19^th anniversary of my Grandpa’s death. 

There was talk on Monday and Tuesday that Duckie may be able to get out of the hospital and go to a nursing home for rehab and then to my parents until he regained his strength.  We were all thinking and hoping before Christmas this would happen.

Tuesday, December 18^th Lucky had an ENT appointment and all looked clear.  By 6 pm she had a fever of about 100.  It was gone by the next morning so we thought maybe it was teething.   Took her daycare.  She was acting fine and not sick.  So we weren’t too worried.

Wednesday, December 19^th on my way to work one of my dear friends called to see how Duckie was and how we were all holding up.  I told her I just had this feeling that Duckie was never going to leave the hospital.  I hoped it didn’t come true and that I was just being over dramatic.

A few hours later I got a call from my Dad telling me to come home and that Duckie was asking for my sister and I. They didn’t think he’d make it through the day.   I called Walleye sobbing so hard I couldn’t even talk for the first minute or so.  We made arrangements for Lucky to stay longer at daycare – figuring Walleye could drive me down, say goodbye to Duckie and head back to pick up Lucky that evening.  Walleye picked me up and we weren’t 15 minutes down the road and he noticed he had a voicemail.  I knew before he even listened.  Duckie had passed away. 

My Dad had tried calling me but for some reason I didn’t hear the phone.  So he left me a voicemail asking me to call him back.  Then he tried Walleye and left him a message that Duckie had passed. 

I have never in my life felt a pain in my heart like that.  I screamed “no, no, no” over and over again.  Tears streaming down my face.  And then I couldn’t breathe.  I just couldn’t believe it was true.  I finally composed myself long enough to call my Dad back to hear it from him. 

My Mom was with him when he passed.  My Dad was just outside trying to find my sister’s new work number.  They are pretty sure he waited until they got there.  Mom said it was very peaceful.  She was rummaging in her purse for something and it got very quiet and still in the room and she said she knew before even looking up. 

My big brother.  Captain Cool.  Dorkbutt.  Is gone.    

This is so hard.  Some days it doesn’t even seem real.  And other days it hits me like a ton of bricks.  The strangest things can upset me – seeing a video of someone dancing to “The Twist” at a wedding, you see, that was what Duckie and I did at every wedding.  See who could twist the lowest to that song.  The simplest things can calm me.   Driving to my parents last weekend and the beautiful, sparkling snow brought Duckie to mind and very calm, peaceful feeling.  Knowing that’s he’s ok now.  He’s with our loved ones and he’s waiting for us in heaven.

Unfortunately that’s not where the stress and sadness ends.  During the few days after his passing Lucky got even more sick, turns out she had an ear infection and the a perforated ear drum.  An urgent care visit, a pediatrician visit and a visit with the ENT and a few days later she had tubes put in.

A friend of Walleye’s was killed in a snowmobiling accident.  He wasn’t good friends with him and it had been a few years since he had seen him last.  He left behind a new wife and many other loved ones.

And now, two days ago, my Dad’s Aunt/Godmother passed away.