moody

The last few days I have been really down in the dumps and uber crabby...I mean uber crabby.  And poor Walleye has to take the brunt of that.  I have no idea why I have been feeling so depressed and at times hopless.  Monday was the worst - nothing could get me out of my funk.  Nothing.  I seriously wanted to just lay in bed and spend the evening crying.  Then last night I was so insanely crabby I didn't want to sit by me.  In fact I think my two cats caught wind of it as Walleye was gone most of the evening and they usually are all over me but last night they stayed clear.  All evening.  (That didn't help my crabby pants at all....I really wanted to just cuddle up with them.)  I don't know what I was crabby at or why.  Walleye even asked me at one point if I was mad at him.  Which to be honest, made me even crabbier because not 30 minutes earlier I had told him I was super crabby and didn't know why.  But thankfully I bit my tongue and just said that I wasn't mad at him, just crabby.  Today is a bit better but I feel rather on edge.  I don't know.  Maybe it's the lack of hanky panky. 
We are trying to make plans for the weekend and Walleye suggested we spend the day Saturday or Sunday 4-wheeling.  I love 4-wheeling!  I haven't gone since maybe once last summer.  I was all for it and then it dawned on me....what if I am pregnant...can I go 4-wheeling?  Is it safe?  So I googled it and got conflicting answers.  I think tomorrow I am going to call the Dr's office and see.  I don't care if I feel like a fool or a complete idiot - not that they would ever make me feel like it was a dumb question. 

I also noticed that these funks or moods I am in are having an impact on our weekend.  Walleye has made all these suggestions for things to do but none of them sound overly appealing (except the 4-wheeling).  What I really want to do is spend the weekend back in my hometown but since we have to go there next weekend for my cousin's wedding I can't see spending the money on gas heading there two weekends in a row.  And I couldn't see asking Walleye to spend two weekends in a row at my parents! 

Besides the mood swings I am survigin this 2ww rather well!  I am still doing relatively good about not google-ing too much, not dwelling on what could, not getting my hopes up overly high.  I am not over analyizing every little pain, twinge, feeling,  mood swing, etc.  Maybe it's these mood swings keeping me from doing all those things but I like to think that because I am still praying for patience so much that is why - maybe it is helping me to focus on that and trusting in His timing than the possibilities. 

I am off for 5 glorious days in a row....with absolutely nothing planned - a few options are there but no plans set in stone!  5 days of not having to get up at 4 am for a dang suppository so I can get up at 5 am for work. 5 days of doing whatever comes to mind.  5 days of enjoying the wonderfully (and finally) warm MN summer weather.   AAAHHHHH!!!! 

2WW (almost) half over...

Just about one week down of the agonizing two waiting weeks...and to be honest it hasn't really been all that bad!  I think all my prayers for patience have been heard!  I have been really good about not consulting Dr. Google on every little pain, twinge, feeling, etc.  I have been good about not thinking too much into timing - if it was successful when/how we coudl tell everyone, what the due date would be, etc.  I haven't been going nuts thinking about baby names and nursery colors and all that stuff.  (Although at lunch today I ran to Target and I browsed past the cribs and such - but mainly because Walleye and I were talking about buying a new couch and love seat for the living room but then got on the subject of if we needed baby furniture soon how much would that be) - but I didn't stop and wonder and hope and kill myself with wishing like I would have last month.  I did a quick walk by and went on with my shopping trip.  Thank you God for giving me more patience this time around and thank you to anyone out there who may be praying for my patience. 

Can I just express how much I absolutely HATE, HATE, HATE these darn progesterone suppositories?!?!  Oh my they are a pain and a half.  I hate having to set my alarm an hour early (4 am) so I can insert one and lay down for almost an hour.  I hate having to insert one right before bed.  And like last night I was up late so it wasn't until 11:30 the first one went in and only 4.5 short hours later another one did.  Walleye's co-worker invited to their lake land for the 4th of July weekend and it sounds like a ton of fun however, I am not so sure about having to do suppositories while camping - it'd be different if they had a cabin that we were staying in.  Plus Walleye, his coworker and his coworker's wife would all be able to have as many beers as their hearts desired and I wouldn't be able to have any...just in case.  (I know when I do become pregnant it means way longer than 9 months without a beer but right now since there's a 50/50 chance that it would be worth the sacrafice it's not as easy).  I have also noticed headaches, almost daily, since starting the progesterone - which I read was a potential side effect. 

I also have been having bad side effects from the metformin.  That is so strange to me because I haven't missed a single dose in weeks.  Oh man do I hate the metformin side effects.  Well I really only get one side effect but it's bad enough to be considered multiple ones.  Well hopefully it works itself out soon.  It might have something to do with the fact that I ate pretty bad this past weekend - lots of sugar, fat and calories...

My bloodtest is next Tuesday at 7:30 am so I should know the results by this time next Tuesday...one week and about one day to go....Praying I continue my current level of patience and not getting my hopes up too high. 

Thank You!

Thank you God!  Thank you to all who have prayed!  Duckie got his results yesterday from the MRI and CT and it appears he is cancer-free for now!  There is a tiny spot on his liver but they said it could be scar tissue or if it is cancer his treatments should help so they aren't going to biopsy it yet.  Mid July he starts immunotherapy, which will consist of 4 weeks of daily IV treatments and then after that three shots a week for up to a year.  The Dr said he can't work duing those 4 weeks and that they are going to be pretty intense.  We are all so relieved!  When I talked to him last night he sounded really good.  Still worried about his job but other than that he's doing pretty good. 

My MIL seems to be doing better.  We didn't go visit her last night but Walleye called his Dad for an update.  My FIL said my MIL woke up yesterday much better - more aware, more with it and less wailing for water.  We are hoping it was just her getting used to the meds and being back home. 

I am so thankful for my brother's test results and my MIL apparent improvement.  Thanks be to God!  Thank you to all who have prayed. 

and the 2WW begins

Here we are already...another 2WW!  I am trying really hard to not drive myself crazy (and it's only been a few hours since the IUI). 

Today's IUI went good.  They are just so dang great at that RE's office!  I can't say that enough!  I have decided that I am going to write a letter to my last RE and my referring Dr - I feel very strongly that they all need to know how horrible of an experience we had with his office.  What's sad is Dr. E was really nice and I really liked him. 

I had a different nurse today so I asked her about the "quiet uterus" the nurse from yesterday told me and today's nurse said she never heard it but would talk with my Dr to make sure.  Turns out of the 4 REs in that office my Dr is the only one who believes in the no hanky panky for two weeks after the IUI. So the nurse said in her honest opinion to do whatever we feel.  Whew!  That was going to make the 2WW seem even longer! 

Duckie found out last night that the cancer wasn't in the lymph nodes they removed and will find out today what the MRI and CT scan show and what his treatment will be.  I am seriously checking my phone and email every few minutes anxiously awaiting news.  Praying it is good news.  Duckie is getting a little nervous about his job...this week he will use up the last of his sick time and has only one day of vacation until September.  And the owners of his company have let sick people go before so he is nervous they will do so to him.  I pray they will be kind and understanding and work with him on his illness and need days off.  He already has so much to worry about I wish he didn't even have to think about that.

My MIL doesn't seem to be doing so well now that she is at home.  We went to visit her last night and when we walked in we could hear her wailing "somebody ppplleeeeaaassseeee help meeeee.  i neeeeedddddd water." over and over again.  Her aide was right there with her trying to get her to eat jello or drink pedialyte but that wasn't working.  Her aide was so patient!  I don't know how she did it.  My MIL would drift in and out of sleep or consciousness.  When she was awake it was like she wasn't really there there.  She looked pale and her lips looked a little blue and seemed to be breathing hard so we talked the aide into putting her on oxygen (which she gets at night) and she seemed to do a little better. She didn't talk to Walleye when he talked to her and usually she has at least something to say.  All she could say was how she needed help and water.  It was so heartbreaking.  We think it might be all the meds she is on and are praying that she isn't in any pain. 

Part 1 down, Part 2 tomorrow...

Part 1 of IUI #1 is in the books....

It all started last night after work.  Walleye had to give me the novarel shot in backside.  We watched a video on the RE's website to make sure we remembered everything they had told us last week then got the stuff together.  I was really nervous when I saw that the needle the pharmacy gave us was just one and not two needles.  The video showed you drew up the diluent with one needle and and used it to put it in the powder vial.  Then you gently twist the vial back and forth to mix the diluent and powdered together, being sure to not shake it.  Then you switch needles on the syringe, load it up and stick it in.  Well the needle we got was just one piece and it was LONG!  I had one set left from last July when we did our first shot and it hd two needles so I tried convincing Walleye we should use that but he said we should use the one the pharmacy gave us.  Then he looked and said it was only a 1/2 longer than the one from last year so it would be fine.  Easy for him to say he was the jabber and not the jabbee!  He didn't have to have 2 1/5 inches of needle stuck in his behind.  But I gave in and we went along our merry way.  He got it mixed up, how I will never know because I was watching his every move like a hawk and freaking myself and him out.  I don't know why I was so nervous...I wasn't nervous the last two times when the nurse did it.  It's not like I don't trust Walleye but I just kept freaking myself out.  Finally he said enough and enough and to let him just do it.  So I am standing there with my left butt cheek hanging out, gripping the edge of the counter.  He touches me and I jumped and got the nervous giggles.  he starts counting, kinda slow, 1....2....and at 2 I said "just get it over with!" and while I was exclaiming it he jabbed me.  I barely felt it.  I think he got some staisfaction out ot it...maybe a little too much.  :) 

We had to be in Minneapolis at 8:15 for Walleye to do his part then had two hours to kill until my part.  We went over to the hospital cafeteria for breakfast - surprisingly good and relatively cheap breakfast.  Walked around a bit and then went back to the RE's office. 

My appointment was at 10:15 at 10:20 the nurse from last Thursday came out and got me.  She was so bubbly and excited.  She asked if I was excited and I said I was a little nervous.  She then told me it was a piece of cake, would take about 5 minutes and then 10 minutes of lying there and then I was free to go on with my day.  She even gave me a little hug to reassure me that it was going to be relatively easy. 

She brought me into a room with basically a counter, a little desk, three chairs and a table with the ever lovely stirrups.  Went over the procedure details with me and left the room so I could get ready.  She came back a few minutes later, went over the procedure again, had me verify that the vial had Walleye's and my names on it.  Told me to lay back and within three minutes the whole thing was done.  I was really nervous it was going to be painful.  I had thoughts of the HSG and the pain I had from that.  But it really wasn't so bad.  The worst part was probably her putting the duckbill in.  When she was done, she asked if I was alright or had any questions.  Answered the few I had and went and got Walleye.  (She did ask when we got into the room if I wanted Walleye in the room for it.  Said he would stand by my head and hold my hand but I told her he didn't need to see all this.)  She left, got Walleye and within 10 minutes we were on our way. She said I might have some cramping or little spotting but I haven't had either.  She did mention that I was ovulating because I had some great mucus. 

So now its back again tomorrow morning for round number 2.  Hoping and praying it works! Thursday I start the progesterone suppositories twice a day for 12 days.  Then on July 5th I go in for a blood serum pregnancy test. 

Thank you all out there praying for us.  They are so appreciated! 

All in all it wasn't so bad.  The worst part is she told me that Walleye and I can't have relations until the pregnancy test and if it is possible not until the OB ultra sound...really?!?!?  Can this be true?  She said they want to keep the uterus as quiet as possible.  Please tell me this isn't true....that's a really long time!!!  Granted it will all be worth it if we have a positive outcome but seriously, two weeks minimal, maybe longer?!?!?  AAACCCKKK!!! 

Amazing!

The new RE office is Amazing!  Simply amazing!  It is such a completely different experience between this RE and Dr. E. 

I went in for another u/s this morning.  I got there really early (because you never know what traffic will be like on the interstate) - like 50 minutes early so I parked in the ramp, locked my car doors and snoozed with the seat back for about 30 minutes.  Then went up and they got me in within 5 minutes.  They got me in early again!  Everyone was extremely friendly, as they always are.  The u/s tech was fantastic!  She showed me the screen and explained everything she was seeing.  Maybe this is the norm but that's the first time ANY of the u/s techs any of the places I have gone to have done that.  My lining is at an 8 - which they said anything over 7 is great!  I have one follie on my left side at a 21 and then a few others that are just under 18.  The u/s tech left and the nurse stayed and went over the game plan with me.  She was so patient and answered all my questions and made sure I completely understood everything and that we had covered all the bases.  She even told me about restaraunts within walking distance for tomorrow! After I had a bloodtest and then scheduled the next two days. 

We are doing our first IUI cycle tomorrow.  I am nervous, scared a little but mainly excited.  I have just felt compelled to go the IUI route and am thankful we are finally able to!  So tonight Walleye gets to stick me in the butt - which last time he had to stick me was in the upper thigh so I think this will be better as I won't be able to watch him.  Then tomorrow morning Walleye and I have to be at the REs office at 8:15.  he does his thing, then we have to wait two hours while they prepare the sample - washing and counting and all that jazz.  Then at 10:15 I have the insemination, which I was told will take about 5 minutes and then 10 minutes of rest and then we are free to go.  Then Wednesday morning we have to be there for Walleye's part at 7:45 and mine at 9:45.  Then it's 12 days of progesterone suppositories twice a day (YUCK!) and on 7/5 I go back for a blood pregnancy test.  holy cow!  All of a sudden it seems to be happening so fast.  I can't believe the 2ww is almost upon us again! 

This cycle is completely different...instead of just praying that it works, which I have been some, but my prayers have mainly been for patience to accept that this will happen on His time.  Patience to accept His plan, whatever it may be.  And that I don't drive myself complete bonkers during the 2ww! 

Duckie update...not much of one.  Apparently he was in quite a bit of pain on Saturday but yesterday was better.  He's getting his days and nights mixed up though as the first night (Friday) he wasn't able to sleep much at all so then finally slept during the day on Saturday and then Saturday night couldn't sleep well, etc, etc.  Wednesday cannot come soon enough for any of us, especially him. 

MIL update...they moved her out of the mini ICU area on Saturday afternoon, took her off oxygen and talks of her coming home today were had.  Then yesterday when we got there she was back on oxygen - in fact her oxygen levels were in the low 80s.  Which is really bad.  She wasn't eating or drinking.  She is on a purreed diet and can only have thickened liquids but she is being stubborn and doesn't want that.  She also kept saying she was hot and Walleye felt her forehead and she felt as though she might have a fever.  They are doing respiratory therapy on her every 3 to 4 hours and have been monitoring her.  She refused the peg line (I thought it was a pick line but now they keep saying peg line) for at least 6 weeks.  Not sure why she said 6 weeks but it was her choice.  Hoping for a positive update today. 

oh the highs and lows of femara

You'd think by now I'd be used to the extreme highs and lows I get when on Femara but nope it surprises me every time. 

I had another u/s this morning at 8:45 and not knowing what traffic would be like I left at 6:50 a.m. and got there by 8:05!  But they were amazing and got me in withing 5 minutes of getting there.  I was in and out well before my scheduled appointment time!  The nurse today was just as amazing as the one on Thursday!  I love that they have a nurse in the room with me during my u/s.  I have numerous at 10, a 12 and 14 and a 16.  My lining is only at around a 4 so not exactly ideal.  I am going in for another u/s on Monday morning at 8:15  Depending upon how things look we will either go TIC or IUI.  We only get 6 IUI cycles per confirmed pregnancy paid for by insurance so if everything doesn't look optimal (i.e. my lining not thick enough) will do the shot and TIC.  The Nurse and Dr were completely on board with that.  I just can't believe how easy they are to work with! 

Anyways, back to the highs and lows of femara.  So during my hour and fifteen minute drive down to the REs office I had a lot of time to think.  I got to thinking about Duckie and praying for him and started tearing up and before I knew it I had tears streaming down my face, praying "Please don't let him die".  I finally composed myself, got through my appointment and was back on the road and got to thinking about if it actually worked and we did have a baby if my MIL and Mom would be around to meet him or her.  I again started crying.  Get my composure back and am about two miles from home, at a stoplight and saw a text from Walleye saying he was leaving for fishing.  I got a little mad because he wasn't supposed to go fishing until tonight and we were going to go visit his Mom in the hospital and then spend the day shopping for a new couch and pots & pans. Then I got home and we were talking and I just started crying.  He felt bad and was going to cancel his fishing trip but I wouldn't let him - we can do that all tomorrow.  And now I am just kind of depressed.... just want to put on my pjs, grab my cats and jump into bed and watch lifetime movies all day.  What a change from yesterday...yesterday nothing could get me down!  I think I was still flying high from the meeting with the doctor the day prior.  Poor Walleye - he has to bear the brunt of these extreme mood swings. 

Updates...

Where to start...

Duckie had his MRI and CT yesterday and then today he had surgery to remove the rest of the lymph nodes and I think add a drain of some sorts.  I haven't heard how it went except that my Mom thought my Dad was bringing him home around 1:30 or so.  We will know more on the 23rd.  Praying for good news - that the cancer hasn't spread and for a good plan of attack. 

My MIL is improving yet getting worse at the same time - if that even makes any sense.  They moved her to a mini ICU where her nurse only has two other patients besides her.  The pneumonia is breaking up but that is causing more fluid in and around her lungs.  They are doing Neb treatments numerous times a day, plus a suction in her lungs, and has this vibrating thing for her back to help break up the phlegm.  This morning they were using an ultrasound and a needle to remove some of the fluid that has built up around the outside of her lung, which was making it harder for her lungs to expand and contract.  They also had to decide today if she was going to get a peg (?) line put in - where they would feed her food and pills as she cannot swallow without getting some in the lungs.  I am not sure how that went but will find out when I meet Walleye at the hospital after he gets done with work today. Praying my MIL will accept the PEG ling and will continue to get better. 

We met the new RE yesterday and I am amazed!  I can't believe we waited so long to go there. Here's how the day went...

Walleye picked me up from work at 11 yesterday morning.  I had called Dr. E's office around 9 because my ultra sound for today still hadn't been scheduled.  The nurse called me back as I was walking to Walleye's truck and when I told her why I called she said she'd check my file.  Came back and said that Nurse R forgot to call it in!  Seriously?!?!?  Forgot to call in an u/s and here it is the DAY before and I didn't have an appointment yet.  Then I asked about the prescription for the shot and the nurse was confused so I had to explain to her what kind of shot I was talking about and she said she'd check my file, came back and said that the last time Dr. E ordered a shot was may.  I told her that was for the May cycle and we are now on the June one and to please have Dr. E order my shot to my specific pharmacy.  I still haven't heard back on that yet.  So needless to say I was furious when I got of the phone and couldn't get down to the RE's office soon enough. 

So we get down there about 30 minutes early.  We walk in and the facility is absolutely beautiful.  Walk up to the check in desk and the receptionist is so friendly and nice.  We chit chat and she goes over a few things with us.  Then asks to take our picture - I ask why and she said so they can put it in our file so that when they call us from the waiting room they can verify it is the right person.  Also, when talking with us on the phone they can see the photo and who they are talking to.  Isn't that great!  No updating the wrong chart with that in my folder!!!  She asked us to have a seat and we had about 20 minutes until our appointment.  We sat there and sat there and when it was about 40 minutes AFTER our appointment time I was just about to go ask the receptionist what the hold up was and the Dr walked out to get us.  The Dr. himself!  He brought us into his office, said he had read my file but wanted me to tell him all about our experience.  So I started telling him the story, he listened intently, asking questions here and there and finally when I got to the point in the story about the nurse forgetting to call in my u/s order he said "don't worry about it.  We will pick up right here for this cycle.  Just a moment" and he picked up the phone and asked for his nurse to call him as soon as she could.  He then told me he would get me in for an u/s THAT day and a blood draw. (I started to cry!  I just couldn't believe they would pick up right in the middle of my cycle!)   We then went over my last few cycles again, in extreme detail and then the game plan moving forward.  He reassured me that the problems i have encountered with my previous two REs won't happen with them.  His nurse came in and brought me to the u/s room - turns out every u/s will have the u/s tech as well as my nurse in there.  They were very patient with me, answering all my questions and listening to my tell my stories about the past two REs (which they said they hear that unfortunately a lot from patients from my area).  After the u/s they took me to get my blood test.  Then brought Walleye and I back to a conference room and went over the game plan for this and future cycles again - to make sure we didn't have any questions.  They also said that anytime we have questions to feel free to call.  They are open 7 days a week and almost every day (except a few holidays).  They said that after every u/s and blood draw the Dr will review the results by 2 pm that same day so he can make sure we are on the right track for the cycle. Everyone there was SO nice, so patient and so knowledgeable!  I truly feel this is the place we need to be working with.  I feel as though God has really listened to and has answered my prayer for finding an RE that's right for me. I am so thankful!    

Well my timer just went off...I am making my first ever strawberry rhubarb pie today!  Crossing my fingers it turns out as me and pies don't really get along!  Hoping my Grandma has been sending good pie baking vibes down from heaven today - she was an AMAZING pie maker (and well just about everything she made was amazing!). 

So much going on.... **UPDATED**

So much going on…

I think I am getting to my breaking point…there is so much going on right now it’s almost getting too much to handle.

Yesterday afternoon I got an email from Walleye that his Mom was rushed to the hospital but his Dad said not to go there until he called back as we wouldn’t be able to see her anyways.  Turns out she has bilateral (double) pneumonia.  It is aspirational.  Because of her advanced MS she is unable to swallow her pills and food all the time and last week one day she had a scary incident where food went down the wrong tube.  Apparently this happens more frequently that we knew about.  When this happens the food or pills go down the wrong tube and end up in the lungs, which then have to try to digest it.  She had been have trouble breathing ever since last week’s episode and was finally convinced my FIL need to bring her to the hospital.  They have set her up with antibiotics and she will be in the hospital for a while.  There is talk of her needing a pick (?), which I guess they add a tube or port in her abdomen where they would administer meds and nourishment – this would bypass the need for her to swallow and chance getting more down the wrong tubes.  Walleye and my FIL have differing opinions on whether or not she should have one.  Walleye’s point is that eating is about the only thing in life she can do and enjoy, and she loves to eat.  Taking that away from her would be taking away one of the only things she takes pleasure in.  My FIL’s point is that eating is what’s causing her to get sick over and over again and there are only so many times she can handle that.  I see both sides.  In the end it will be her choice.  We rushed up there after work last night and sat with her and my FIL for a few hours.  She has a very hard time talking and towards the end of the visit she wasn’t making much sense.  I am not sure if it was the meds she was put on or if she was just so tired from not feeling well for the past few days. 

Duckie, my brother, has his MRI and CT scan tomorrow to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else.  Then Friday he has surgery to remove the remaining lymph nodes from under his left arm.  Apparently he will have a drain for a while too.  He finds out the results of his tests and what the next steps will be on the 23^rd.  I think it is actually starting to hit him and hit him hard.  He doesn’t seem near as upbeat as he used to.  It’s just so hard to see him like this and to even try to know what he must be going through. 

Come July 1 myself and thousands of others may be laid off.  I am a state of MN employee and if our state government can’t finalize a budget by July 1 we go into shutdown mode.  I have an entire post ready on this and even though I am not freaking out too much about it there are still side effects from the possibility.  Like not only getting our work done that needs to get done but trying to prepare for the possible shutdown.  But how do you prepare for the unknown.  And there is the constant chatter at work about it and you hear so many different things you don’t know what to believe and not believe.  Work is so unbelievably crazy and busy my head is spinning for hours after I leave my 10 hour work days (thankful for Fridays off!!!).  **UPDATE** One prayer has been answered...early this afteroon we learned that the operating system that my University is a member of will not be affected by the shut down - at least during summer session.  Apparently they have enough money from carryovers and such to for the universities to stay open!  Thank you Lord!  Still praying that we do not go into a government shutdown as it will affect so, so many out there but thankful I can check one thing off my worry list. **UPDATE**

Tomorrow we meet with a new RE.  The RE I wish we would have gone to back in April instead of wasting time with Dr. E.  Even though this is a good thing it is still stressful.

Soon we will be in the midst of the cycle and the meds, shots, TIC and all that goes with that.

Adding all those pieces together and I am about ready to burst.  I try to tell myself that things could be worse but that only gets me so far…

Struggling

I have been wanting to write this post for a while but was struggling with exactly what to say and how to write it.  I so very much appreciate all those who read my blog, pray for Walleye and I, comment and offer up so much support.  It warms my heart and I do appreciate all of it. 

As those of you who have been reading lately you know I have had some problems with my current RE.  I so appreciate the offers to discuss certain Drs and willingness to recommend Drs.

While Walleye and I are both Catholic (my faith is stronger, quite a bit stronger than Walleye’s, but definitely not at the level of some fellow bloggers – I can only hope in time it will be).  We are unsure about NFP.  There…I said it!  What a load off!  I have been scared to death to share that for fear I wouldn’t be “accepted” by fellow bloggers or no one would continue to read or I’d be judged, lectured and pushed too much towards NFP.  Then I realized a few things.  This blog wasn’t started for me to be accepted by fellow bloggers.  I started it for me, as a place to write about what I was going through with dealing with infertility and PCOS. If someone wanted to read and follow, that was just a plus. And to be honest, I was a little greedy – I was scared I’d lose some prayers.  But I realized the wonderful blog ladies aren’t really the judgmental types and they don’t seem as though they’d lecture or push too much.  And who was I to think I even deserved their prayers in the first place – could I be any more self-centered? 

I have noticed that my faith has started to grow since reading other blogs and writing my own.  I have learned about certain Saints, prayed my first Novena, and felt my belief in God, His timing and His teachings strengthen.  I hope as I continue to read, write and venture through IF my faith will continue to get stronger and that I may help Walleye with his. 

I haven’t completely dismissed NFP but we aren’t ready for it.  We aren’t sure that we agree with the Catholic Church’s view on IUIs (yet to be completely ironic I don’t know that I believe in IVF) and we are hoping to do an IUI next cycle with the new RE I am meeting on Thursday down in Mpls.  I don’t really want to get into a debate on IUIs and IVF and what not.  I guess I just simply want to say thank you to those who have offered recommendations, shared stories of their own experiences, read and encouraged me and especially for the prayers.   And mainly that I don’t mean to offend anyone by not taking their recommendations or at this time discussing NFP. 

CD2

First off thank you for any prayers for me this cycle.  They are appreciated!  Today is CD2.  I am OK with it.  I think deep down I knew AF would come this month so wasn't surprised when my pg test at the Dr office yesterday showed up as  BFN and then last night she arrived.  I didn't even cry - probably because I had a major melt down the night before so I had all that crying out of my system (long story for a different day).

It might not have hit me that hard because I got strangely sick yesterday. Monday I woke up with a stiff neck and sore left shoulder blade/back area - figured I just slept wrong on it.  Tuesday I had a small headache but figured it was because my bobby pins were too tight.  Then yesterday on my way back to work after my Dr appointment my headache was so bad the light from the sun, even with sunglasses on, was so bright I could barely drive and it hurt and was making me sick to my stomach.  I was super achy all over - especially my back.  my ears were burning and felt fuzzy - which generally means I have a fever.  So I said to heck with it and went home.  Turns out I had a fever of 100.2.  I laid in bed resting but not able to sleep and I'd go from extreme hot to extreme cold and then be both at once.  About 7 I was sweating profusely and am pretty sure that's when my fever broke.  By 8 my fever was gone and I was at 98.7, didn't have the aches or chills or sweats.  My headache was barely there and my body just felt clammy all over.  About 8:30 AF showed up and by 9:30 my temp was 96.8.  I slept great last night. And I feel fine today.  Isn't that the strangest thing. I knew you could get a 24 hours bug but I never thought you could get a 10 hour bug. 

Yesterday was the icing on the cake with Dr. E's office.  Although I had already called my regular Dr the day before for a new referral (a story for another day).  I got to Dr. E's office with a full bladder knowing they would give me a pg test since it was CD30 and no AF.  The nurse calls me back and asks me to step on the scale and I jokingly said to subtract 5 lbs since my bladder was so full.  She looked at me all confused and asked if I needed to use the restroom.  I said I thought they might want me to take a pg test.  And she said, oh you could if you want just to be sure.  OK?  Confusion...but I went with it.  (And I did lose over 2 lbs just from peeing!).  Then we get in the room and she takes my BP and asks how I'm doing.  If I am on any pain meds.  I was really confused and thought maybe she saw my surgery scar and was thinking that.  Then she was updating my chart and started going over the meds i am on and said something about a nose spray and I said no, no nose spray.  And she said your birth date is 9.20 and I cut her off and said no it's xx/xx/xxxx.  And she was all confused and said you're Sunfish right.  I said yep.  Turns out she grabbed the wrong patient file as there was one other Sunfish there at that time.  If she would have confirmed my first and last name and DOB right away like most places to she would have noticed that.  So by now I am furious.  She not only wasted my time but started updating someone else's chart with MY info.  No wonder she was confused about the pg test.  Then I had to wait forever for Dr. E and come to find out that they never did the referral the promised.  It was the last straw with this Dr.  I am so mad we didn't just go to the Dr I wanted to down in the cities back in April.  I wish I wouldn't have agreed to try Dr E even for one cycle...I just feel like was wasted ANOTHER three months. 

Well at least now I know I can have a few Nordeast beers at the picnic on Sunday - which I am so excited about.  (The picnic not the beers...well OK maybe the beers a little bit.)  We have our annual family picnic with my Mom's side on Sunday.  All my aunts, uncles, cousins and their spouses and kids from my Mom's side are getting together!  We used to get together all the time but then people started growing up and having their own families and it just got too hard.  So we try for at least once a year to get us all together.  And man are there a ton of us!  My Mom had 8 brothers and sisters and I have tons of cousins.  My uncle from down south is even coming up!  We will miss my cousin who recently deployed to Kuwait (or I think is still in the US training for a bit before heading over). 

 

Distracted

Distracted.  That was me for most of the weekend.  It was a blessing!  We had dinner Friday night with friend.   Cleaned the house Saturday morning while Walleye fished, then Walleye and I painted his new-used shed and went to another friends' for dinner on Saturday night.  Yesterday we finished the second coat of paint on the shed, went to a movie and shopped for flowers.  It was just what I needed to keep my mind busy and not think too much about if I could be pregnant. 

Saturday when I was cleaning I had to restock our jars of cotton balls and q-tips that sit on the counter and when I went under the bathroom sink to find the stash of both I found sitting right on top of them was an HPT.  It took ALL I had NOT to test right then and there.  I so badly wanted to.  So.badly.wanted.to.  But I refrained.  My goal is to wait until my appointment on Wednesday but I just don't know that I can....

Having never been a regular gal I am not certain when AF would be considered late for me.  Last month CD1 came on CD34 of the previous cycle.  I have some friends who get theirs every 28 days like clockwork and other friends who vary by a few days.  Today is CD28 for me.  I so badly want to run home after work and take one.  But then I think last month AF arrived on CD34 - that's another whole 6 days.  I can't really wait that long, well I could but I don't think I'd be sane at the end of it!

But to be completely honest part of me is scared that it will be negative and I will be crushed.  I am still pretty certain it didn't work this time but as much as I hate this waiting I sort of like the idea of there still being a possibility and taking an HPT and having it negative would crush that possibility. So part of me wants to put off testing as long as possible...

You'd think work would be a distraction...but in fact I think it is exactly opposite.  Probably because I sit at a computer every day, all day long, and in an instant can be consulting Dr. Google...which just feeds my insanity. 

Seriously, a week to wait yet?!?!?

A nurse from Dr E’s office called today to let me know that my progesterone levels are normal and that Dr E wants me to continue with the Femara the same as last month.  WHOA…hold the phone.  I’m confused.  Why would you tell a patient that you know is TTC and is only 9 days past trigger shot to do Femara next schedule.  Isn’t it still too early to tell if it worked?  Wouldn’t you wait to cross that bridge until closer to AF’s estimated arrival?  Wouldn’t you wait to talk to them about it until their appointment next week, which happens to be approximately 14 DPO?  So I ask the nurse if he called in a prescription already or if he will do that when I meet with him next week.  I also told her that I don’t usually start Femara until 3 days after AF’s arrival but that I am not due for her to come until next week.  All the time I’m thinking:

Does he know something I don’t? 

Could he tell if it really didn’t work already? 

Did they test my blood for more than just progesterone? 

What about this referral to another Dr for next month? 

Why would he prescribe something if I am going to a different Dr? 

Cue  huge lump in my throat so big I feel as though I may choke and the formation of big, fat tears as I wait for the nurse to respond.  She tells me to hold while she quick checks – comes back to tell me that if AF arrives before my 6.8.11 appointment with Dr E to call them and they’ll send in a prescription. If AF doesn’t arrive by my appointment then he’ll prescribe it when I come in.  Obviously they have no hope that it worked.  It doesn’t even seem to be on their mind that there COULD be a positive pregnancy this month.  I try to keep my voice as steady as possible and thank her and hang up.  The phone is not even 2 cm from my ear before the tears start to fall and I start to really, really cry.  I can’t help but feel completely hopeless about this cycle.  I started to wonder if it really is too early to test (which, yes the sane and rational me knows it’s only been about a week since ovulation so yes it is too early to test but the crazy and irrational me thinks otherwise.)  So add the phone call from the nurse to my already insanely negative feelings about this cycle and you have pretty depressed and hopeless Sunfish.  I just want whatever day I can test to come and go so we can get started on the next cycle.

I’ve noticed this week I’ve been really down.  I had the house to myself for the past two nights and usually I love to use that time to clean and organize but I couldn’t do more than sit my big butt down on the couch both nights and watch lame made for TV movies.  I’ve had a constant lump in my throat and tears are never very far from falling.

Last night I brought supper out to my MIL and she, for the first time, started asking if Walleye and I were ever going to have kids (Ummm, It’s only been 18 months since we got married).  I gave some general answer like “at some point – when it happens it happens” and she immediately starts telling me how to get pregnant and that she knows as she had two kids of her own and was a nurse.  I was not in the mood to hear from her how one goes about getting pregnant.  Yes, she was a nurse 15 years ago and yes she did have two kids but that doesn’t mean she knows everything.  Not to mention it’s me, her and her aid.  Like I want to get into this with some random aid.  So I try to blow her off and let her go off on her speech but when it’s clear she’s not giving up any time soon I firmly tell her “I know how it works and when it happens, it happens.”   Thankfully the aid realizes I am getting really uncomfortable and before my MIL can say another word shoves a spoonful of sauerkraut hotdish in my MIL’s mouth.  Coincidentally Walleye called not 10 minutes later and got kind of upset with me for not telling her what was really going on.  Really?!?!?  This coming from Mr. “Let’s-Not’Tell-Anyone-Anything” and Mr. “I-Can’t-Believe-You-Told-Your-Mom/sister/K!”  So, I think Walleye and I are going to have a little chat tonight.  I didn’t want to go into everything with him on the phone last night as I didn’t want to start crying at my MIL’s house and have to explain that too.  If he wants to tell her, he can but I want him to do so when she is alone and make her promise she won’t tell any of her aids, sisters, my BIL or especially his super fertile gf or anyone for that matter.  I feel like such a horrible DIL for not sharing this with her but I just couldn’t.  I feel guilty for telling my Mom and not his.  I feel bad lying to her.    

Oh why can’t it just be a week from now….

More waiting...

My dad went with Duckie to his Dr appointment today and emailed a recap of the appointment.  they want to do a CT scan and MRI to see if the cancer has spread any further.  He also needs to have the rest of his lymph nodes removed from the area the other three were taken from.  The tests and the surgery can wait until after his vacation - thankfully as I know how excited he was to go to Bonaroo in TN.  I don't even remember the last time he has taken a vacation so it's good he's still able to go.  He has another Dr. appointment on 6.23.11 to discuss test results and options.  Looks like there will be three options for him to choose from: 1. a shot of interferon three times a week for a year; 2. a clinical trial which the closest to him would either be the cities or Rochester and both are 2 hours away; or 3. nothing and go back for checks every 3 - 6 months...but they won't know for sure until they know the results of the CT/MRI.  So not the best news but not horrible either.  I am taking some comfort in that he doesn't have to do any of this immediately and can wait until after his vacation and that the next follow up isn't until almost a month away.  I am going to call him tonight between work and bringing my MIL sauerkraut hotdish and rhubarb dessert.  This waiting until 6/23 really just sucks though (which I am sure it does even more so for Duckie).

Because my FIL is fishing (with Walleye) I decided to bring my MIL supper tonight as I am sure it gets lonely only having the company of two aids throughout the day - especially considering she really can't do much of anything but listen to the TV and the aids talk.  I absolutely love sauerkraut hotdish and Walleye absolutely hates it so I am excited to be able to eat it tonight!  When I called my MIL last night and asked if she had plans for supper tonight and then mentioned I'd bring it out to her she really perked up.  This will be the first time I've actually gone out there by myself to visit - I've dropped things off before or picked things up but never just gone out to visit by myself.  It's about time I start though...

Today is not a good day in the 2WW area....I am filled with doubt that it actually is going to happen this cycle which is leading to my being quite the debbie downer.  That combined with my brother's illness and Walleye being gone it's really got me down in the dumps.  :(  Maybe its best to stop this post right here before it gets too dark and dreary.