Day 16

It is officially day 16 after ceasing the Provera and nothing!  Absolutely nothing other than some PMS symptoms.  POAS again this morning just to make sure before I called my RE.  Negative.  Again not crushed by that news (or lack there of) but I am really getting frustrated.  Here it is the first month we can “try” again and we hit a wall.  I just don’t understand.  I don’t get it.  Why?  Have I done something to deserve this? Is this God’s way to telling us we aren’t ready or worthy of being parents?  I am trying my hardest to believe that God has a plan and His will is best but it’s really hard. I’ve always wanted to be a Mom.  Walleye wants to be a Dad and he would be a great Dad. I feel horrible…what if he never gets that chance?  And all because of me and stupid PCOS.  It’s my fault.  He’s wonderful and says that if we don’t have kids it’s not the end of the world but I know…I see the excitement and desire in his eyes to have kids.  I just wish I had known before we got married – I feel like he is getting cheated.  Like he should have known prior to us getting married so he would have had the chance to back out – not that I think he would have but it’s so unfair that he didn’t have all the facts before hand.  I blame myself for not getting my irregular periods checked out sooner.  I blame myself for not working harder to lose more weight.  (Incidently I have gained 5 pounds so am now only down 21 pounds, which is making me feel even more guilty and worse.)  I wonder if I would have led a more Christian life through out college if maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with this now.  I know it’s not healthy to dwell on this and think of all the what-if’s, but I just can’t seem to help it. 

So, back to the point.  I called my RE today and left a message for the nurse to call me back.  Hopefully she calls me back soon – although my RE is out today so I won’t get any sort of answer or next step until tomorrow at the earliest.  More waiting…