Return of the sleepless Sunday night...

I am not a very good sleeper.  It's gotten worse the last few years and for some reason Sunday nights are the worst.  I usually could fall asleep by a decent time but then would wake in the middle of the night and not be able to get back to sleep.  But for the past few months I have been blessed with great sleep almost every single night.  And I haven't had a really horrible night of sleep in I don't remember how long.

Until last night.  Could be that I slept 1.5 hours of the 2 hour drive back from my parents yesterday.  Or that I fell asleep on the couch a few times last night.  Or that I went to be at 9 pm.  Or that the sleepless Sunday nights have returned.  UGH!  But Walleye came to bed about 12:30 and the door squeaking woke me up.  Then I had to pee.  Then the cat wanted to crawl on me.  Then I needed a drink.  By that time I was wide awake!  WIDE AWAKE.

So out to the couch I went.  I think I finally dozed off about 2:30 and slept off and on since.  I am tired and a bit crabby this morning.

I hope it was a one time thing and that this isn't the beginning of the bad sleeps.

On a positive note the weekend was fantastic!  Absolutely fantastic.

Tomorrow I meet my OB Dr.  Which is good because I am starting to freak out that something is wrong as I don't really have much for symptoms.  They seemed to have pretty much stopped - except for the tiredness, needing to pee a lot (but I think that's due to my drinking SO much water) and the occasional sore ta-tas.  I am hoping she will be able to calm my nerves and reassure me that this is normal.  And maybe, just maybe if we can't hear a heartbeat with the doppler (because I heard 8w6d can sometimes be too early to hear it on a doppler) do a full blown u/s. 

I guess one good thing about the lack of symptoms was it made it that much easier to not tell anyone this weekend.

We went to Mass yesterday in the Cathedral I grew up attending.  It is always so good to go to Mass there.  I really love that Church.  The message yesterday was one I really need to take to heart and listen to.  It was all about trusting in God.  I need to learn to let go of all the worry and anxiety, especially about my disappearing symptoms, and just trust in God that this baby arrives safe and sound in March.  

Weekend!

I am so excited for the weekend!  A little sad that tomorrow is my second to last Summer Friday off.  But I know I am "spolied" a bit with having Friday's off every summer.

Tomorrow I am going clean, clean, clean...well after a work conference call (probably done still in my PJs!) and after my oil change and lunch date with Walleye.

Our spare room soon-to-be nursery (OMGoodness I can't believe I can actually say that!!!) needs to desperately be cleaned out before we can clear it out. Plus we need to be able to use the bed in a few weeks for our annual wedding party BBQ. 

The basement needs some straightening up, especially my scrapbooking room as Walleye just threw things around when we got water in the basement last week (which can't exactly blame the guy but I am so not the type to not move things in an organized fashion no matter how much of a hurry I am in.)

And just general dusting, vacuuming, etc.  Oh and we can't forget the purple and gold pedicure on the to-do list!  :)

Saturday is when the FUN begins!  We are heading to my parents for Saturday-Sunday.  Lunch with my Mom and sister on Saturday.  Then my sister, cousin, niece and nephew are going to VIKINGS Training Camp!  YEAH!  Can't wait!  SKOL VIKINGS!  And my 6yo niece is going to the Cheerleading Camp - which having been a h.s. cheerleader excites me to no end! Walleye is going to hang with Duckie as neither have any desire to go to training camp.

Sunday we have our annual family picnic with my Dad's side.  Even though I just saw them all at my cousin's wedding in the beginning of July I can't wait to see everyone again.  not to mention the taco salad my sister is bringing and the sour cream raisin bars that are sure to be there!

The only thing I am hesitant about is how in the world I am ever going to keep my mouth shut about being knocked up all weekend!  it's going to be excruciating!!!  But I have to keep telling myself it will all be worth it in three weeks when I can surprise my Mom with her "Grandma" birthday gift from the cats and Baby! 

Oh and update from my last post - my cousin is pregnant.  She announced at 5w4d - a little early in my book, considering he m/c last year but she's so excited I can see how it was hard for her not too.  I am still praying for her that this baby sticks and if you have any extra prayers to spare please send one her way. 

Prayers for my cousin please

I have a cousin who is a couple years younger than me.  We used to be somewhat close but have grown apart the older we get.  She got married 4 years ago in June and they had been TTC pretty much ever since.  I have a sneaking suspicion she might have PCOS but I've never gotten up the courage to ask her about her TTC journey.  We are very similar in our body builds and look quite a like and I just can't get past this feeling that she too is suffering from PCOS. 

Last September she announced on Facebook she was PG (and was like 4 weeks along) and a few weeks later posted saying there was no baby at the u/s.  I have been praying for her daily ever since and looking back really wish I would have reached out to her last Fall.   

She just posted a semi-cryptic message on FB that leads me to believe she is PG again and I pray that she is and that all goes well.  And that she has a happy, healthy baby next late winter/early spring.  I have a feeling she is really early in the pregnancy as some of her posts from the last two weeks talk about pills to help in the baby makin'.

So if you wouldn't mind saying a prayer or two for her and her baby I would much appreciate it! 

Inquisitive MIL!

The PCA scheduled to work the 3:30 - 9:30 shift with my MIL on Saturday cancelled (that's a whole fiascoe in itself for another post!!) so Walleye and I filled in.  Actually let me back up - I filled in while Walleye first tackled water in our basement and then spent the rest of the time mowing my FIL's yard and fixing the lawn mower. 

So needless to say my MIL and I had a lot of time to chat on Saturday afternoon/evening and it had been a while since she had asked me whether or not Walleye and I were going to have kids so I just knew it was coming.

So as I sat there talking with her she got quite and then said "I have something to ask but I don't know how." I told her she can ask me anything and to just spit it out.  She hemmed and hawed for a minute or two and I could tell she was trying to think of a delicate way to bring it up. 

Finally she said, "are you and Walleye trying to not have kids?"

"No, we are trying." I responded

"Well maybe you should go to the Dr?" she said.

I replied "Well to be completely honest we have been to a Dr.  In fact many Drs.  and are now going to the cities to a Reproductive Endocrinologist as I have been diagnosed with PCOS."

She got quiet and said "Oh, at least your seeing someone because I was going tell you how you might need to get things checked out if you've been trying for this long with no luck." and then she proceeded to tell me how she used NFP to conceive my BIL and thought if she did backwards NFP she'd space out my BIL and Walleye but "OOPS!  That doesn't work."

It was awkward and I was glad she didn't ask many questions and was just satisfied that we had been going to a Dr.  I have barely given my Mom any details so I really didn't want to have to give my MIL much.  When I told Walleye about the conversation he was a little surprised I told her about the PCOS as the last time I couldn't tell her.  Then he said he never thought about how awkward it would be for me to talk about it with his Mom and that he didn't think his Mom would every have told her MIL anything that private - but he was appreciative I told her. (Probably so he doesn't get grilled and have to tell her himself!)

I did feel somewhat bad for not telling her the complete truth but that announcement will come soon enough.  And I just know once we tell her she will tell all of her PCA's.  One of her PCA's is the MIL of one of Walleye's former roommates and I just know the minute that PCA hears she'll tell the former roommate and he'll tell all Walleye's friends and we want to be in control of when/how people find out. 

It was a less than stellar weekend.  Not only did we spend mucho time out at my MIL's but my BIL accused Walleye of being completely selfish, self-centered and not willing to help out ever.  What?!?!  Have we not given up every single evening, then taken over the shift for the PCA even though we haven't been trained in my MIL's care necessities?  He went so far as to tell Walleye that they can't even enjoy their vacation because Walleye is making it so hard for them to.  Huh?  Walleye hasn't complained to them once and the only thing was one day my FIL called Walleye at work to talk about who was covering the PCA on Saturday.  But Walleye was at work and couldn't talk so was sort of short with him but told him we had it covered.  But really?  If they cared that much then why aren't they calling my MIL more than once every few days?  Or calling Walleye or I for updates and not to yell at us?  Or really, why'd they even go? 

On top of all that drama right before we had to be at my MIL's on Saturday I went downstairs to feed the cats and noticed the carpet in the hallway and scrapbooking room were completely sopping wet and it had started to get the sheet rock wet.  So I had to run to my MIL's while Walleye called pluming/heating guy to come take a look.  Thankfully one of the hosts from our wedding has his own plumbing and heating company so he came right out (and for FREE!).  Turns out we had completely forgotten to change the air filter in the furnace and it was so clogged it caused the A/C coil to freeze up.  So we have to turn off the A/C and let it thaw and dry out good.  We have every fan in the house blowing on something and our poor dehumidifier has been running on full blast non-stop...but thankfully it wasn't anything more serious.

In-Laws....

Last week I posted about my MIL being back in the hospital, well she got out on Friday – thank the Lord!  Five days was more than plenty for her (and us).  She’s home and from what Walleye and I can tell recovering.  But I am exhausted.  Mentally and physically exhausted. 

My FIL, BIL and his free-loading GF (I’m going to start referring to her as “Free Loader”) had a 2 ½ week trip planned, which was supposed to start last Friday.  So the Monday my MIL went into the hospital all we kept hearing about from my FIL was “when will she get out?  I have a vacation to go on at the end of the week!”.  Every nurse, doctor, PCA, hospital staff who entered my MIL’s room heard that and since we were there all night with him we heard it each time too. 

I have a huge problem with that and an even bigger problem with the fact that they are on this vacation right now.

You see, they were just going to go with the flow – camp when they could, grab a hotel if need be but not make any reservations and just drive until they were done for the day. So they didn’t have any money down on anything and didn’t have to worry about losing deposits or changing flights, etc.  Not to mention they went on a trip last year too that was supposed to be 2 weeks long but they were tired driving back and extended it a few more days.  So I am sure the 2 ½ week vacation would have turned out to be closer to 3 weeks.

So after last Monday my FIL and BIL agreed to wait and see when my MIL would be getting out before worrying about when exactly they were going to leave.  I thought was the least they could do and should have been saying that since Monday.  Anyways, so Wednesday we learn that my MIL is likely (but not guaranteed) to get out on Friday. 

The minute Free Loader heard this she quick called and made reservations at the same places her Mom was staying (apparently her Mom had decided to tag along on the trip and had made reservations that Tuesday) and of course these are the types of reservations where you save money by pre-paying and not being able to cancel.  She made them starting Saturday night.  The day after my MIL was likely to get home.

So Thursday I get a call from my FIL that my MIL will need to have an IV ball administered every day for 14 days and that her aids aren’t registered to do so, meaning it has to be a family member.  He also mentioned that the social worker knows he is going to be gone and said that someone needs to be with my MIL when the aids aren’t there (so from 9:30 pm – 7:30 am).  He asks if Walleye and I could do it.  I told him I would have to talk it over with Walleye and my FIL’s response was: “well if you don’t I don’t get to go on my vacation.”  SERIOUSLY!!!

So Walleye and I meet him at the hospital after work to discuss and it was so frustrating. He basically said if we didn’t do it he would put her in a nursing home.  Which, my MIL’s response was then she’d just die there.  Walleye suggested paying for an aid to spend the night, or getting an adult babysitter. 

We wouldn’t mind spending the night be it would be for over 2 weeks and we have cats at home and with me being pregnant we just didn’t feel we could.  If it would have been for a week or every other night or something that would have been another story.  Walleye asked his Dad to cut the trip short but he wouldn’t hear of it – saying he was already cutting it short by a day.  A DAY! One.single.stinking.day.

In the end we agreed we would do the IV ball every night right after work as it takes about 2.5 hours from prep to clean up.  Then Walleye’s aunt, my MIL’s sister would spend the nights with her.  But we also told my FIL he had to be back 3 days early as we have a family reunion in my hometown to go to the last weekend of his trip…we’ll see if he actually shortens his trip.  I highly doubt it.

So needless to say the last two weeks have been exhausting – last week it was every night after work at the hospital until 8 or 9 and then this week out at my MIL’s every night until 8 or 9.  Plus I work 10 hour days so I get up at 5 am.  And I do all the cooking at my MIL’s when we are out there. 

It wouldn’t be so bad but my MIL is so mean and ornery at times it’s hard to take even though I am sure it’s not personal and is most like her frustrations combined with anger at my FIL and side effects of her meds.  

Wow this is a rather long post but it feels good to have gotten it out…writing can be such a great release. 

Relief

We had our 6w6d u/s yesterday and the minute I heard the u/s tech say "Congratulations you have a singleton with a heartbeat" I let out a sigh, well actually it was a cry, of relief.  It was amazing!  I am sure I gave Him a headache with the continous prayers of thanks I sent up for almost the entire night. 

Freaked out.

This post will be mainly about my pregnancy thus far...and to be honest it probably won't make much sense and will be filled with incomplete thoughts. 

I am freaked out.  Extremely freaked out.  All of my rather mild pregnancy symptoms have seemed to pretty much disappear and are rather non-existent.  And that freaks me out.  To.no.end.

I have heart burn almost every day, which is a change.
I have had NO morning/afternoon/evening sickness.
My ta-tas were very sore and growing for a while but that seemed to have backed off.  (Well one is still noticable larger than the other but neither seem to be growing.)
My sense of smell doesn't seem as overactive as it had.
I have to pee a lot but I think it's because I've upped my water intake quite a bit.
I do have some stretching feelings and cramps or pings of pain every now and then but they just freak me out that it's a m/c. 
I am tired, was really tired a few weeks ago but that's lessened. But still a bit more tired than usual.
The biggest thing is I just don't feel pregnant.  I even forget sometimes that I am.  You'd think that wouldn't be possible!

I am completely paranoid that I am having an ectopic pregnancy as I have all these pings of pain or noticable twinges and on Friday it hurt in my ovary area when I coughed.  But I don't have any of the other signs of a ectopic pregnancy.  And as much as I want to call my RE I also don't want to be a hypocondriach.

I read on baby boards about all the ladies having m/c and one minute it freaks me out and the next I am tellin myself very calmly that I haven't had any bleeding or spotting or abdomen tenderness or shoulder pain or any number of signs that they boards list.  I need to keep myself away from them.  Them and Dr. Google.

We go in tomorrow for our first U/S at our RE's office.  I am so excited for it but also extremely scared that they are going to tell me it's ectopic or there's not fetal pole or no yolk sac or no heartbeat.  But at least in 24 hours I should know...God please give me the patience to make it through the next 24 hours.  Praying for a precious heartbeat tomorrow.