Updates...

Where to start...

Duckie had his MRI and CT yesterday and then today he had surgery to remove the rest of the lymph nodes and I think add a drain of some sorts.  I haven't heard how it went except that my Mom thought my Dad was bringing him home around 1:30 or so.  We will know more on the 23rd.  Praying for good news - that the cancer hasn't spread and for a good plan of attack. 

My MIL is improving yet getting worse at the same time - if that even makes any sense.  They moved her to a mini ICU where her nurse only has two other patients besides her.  The pneumonia is breaking up but that is causing more fluid in and around her lungs.  They are doing Neb treatments numerous times a day, plus a suction in her lungs, and has this vibrating thing for her back to help break up the phlegm.  This morning they were using an ultrasound and a needle to remove some of the fluid that has built up around the outside of her lung, which was making it harder for her lungs to expand and contract.  They also had to decide today if she was going to get a peg (?) line put in - where they would feed her food and pills as she cannot swallow without getting some in the lungs.  I am not sure how that went but will find out when I meet Walleye at the hospital after he gets done with work today. Praying my MIL will accept the PEG ling and will continue to get better. 

We met the new RE yesterday and I am amazed!  I can't believe we waited so long to go there. Here's how the day went...

Walleye picked me up from work at 11 yesterday morning.  I had called Dr. E's office around 9 because my ultra sound for today still hadn't been scheduled.  The nurse called me back as I was walking to Walleye's truck and when I told her why I called she said she'd check my file.  Came back and said that Nurse R forgot to call it in!  Seriously?!?!?  Forgot to call in an u/s and here it is the DAY before and I didn't have an appointment yet.  Then I asked about the prescription for the shot and the nurse was confused so I had to explain to her what kind of shot I was talking about and she said she'd check my file, came back and said that the last time Dr. E ordered a shot was may.  I told her that was for the May cycle and we are now on the June one and to please have Dr. E order my shot to my specific pharmacy.  I still haven't heard back on that yet.  So needless to say I was furious when I got of the phone and couldn't get down to the RE's office soon enough. 

So we get down there about 30 minutes early.  We walk in and the facility is absolutely beautiful.  Walk up to the check in desk and the receptionist is so friendly and nice.  We chit chat and she goes over a few things with us.  Then asks to take our picture - I ask why and she said so they can put it in our file so that when they call us from the waiting room they can verify it is the right person.  Also, when talking with us on the phone they can see the photo and who they are talking to.  Isn't that great!  No updating the wrong chart with that in my folder!!!  She asked us to have a seat and we had about 20 minutes until our appointment.  We sat there and sat there and when it was about 40 minutes AFTER our appointment time I was just about to go ask the receptionist what the hold up was and the Dr walked out to get us.  The Dr. himself!  He brought us into his office, said he had read my file but wanted me to tell him all about our experience.  So I started telling him the story, he listened intently, asking questions here and there and finally when I got to the point in the story about the nurse forgetting to call in my u/s order he said "don't worry about it.  We will pick up right here for this cycle.  Just a moment" and he picked up the phone and asked for his nurse to call him as soon as she could.  He then told me he would get me in for an u/s THAT day and a blood draw. (I started to cry!  I just couldn't believe they would pick up right in the middle of my cycle!)   We then went over my last few cycles again, in extreme detail and then the game plan moving forward.  He reassured me that the problems i have encountered with my previous two REs won't happen with them.  His nurse came in and brought me to the u/s room - turns out every u/s will have the u/s tech as well as my nurse in there.  They were very patient with me, answering all my questions and listening to my tell my stories about the past two REs (which they said they hear that unfortunately a lot from patients from my area).  After the u/s they took me to get my blood test.  Then brought Walleye and I back to a conference room and went over the game plan for this and future cycles again - to make sure we didn't have any questions.  They also said that anytime we have questions to feel free to call.  They are open 7 days a week and almost every day (except a few holidays).  They said that after every u/s and blood draw the Dr will review the results by 2 pm that same day so he can make sure we are on the right track for the cycle. Everyone there was SO nice, so patient and so knowledgeable!  I truly feel this is the place we need to be working with.  I feel as though God has really listened to and has answered my prayer for finding an RE that's right for me. I am so thankful!    

Well my timer just went off...I am making my first ever strawberry rhubarb pie today!  Crossing my fingers it turns out as me and pies don't really get along!  Hoping my Grandma has been sending good pie baking vibes down from heaven today - she was an AMAZING pie maker (and well just about everything she made was amazing!). 

So much going on.... **UPDATED**

So much going on…

I think I am getting to my breaking point…there is so much going on right now it’s almost getting too much to handle.

Yesterday afternoon I got an email from Walleye that his Mom was rushed to the hospital but his Dad said not to go there until he called back as we wouldn’t be able to see her anyways.  Turns out she has bilateral (double) pneumonia.  It is aspirational.  Because of her advanced MS she is unable to swallow her pills and food all the time and last week one day she had a scary incident where food went down the wrong tube.  Apparently this happens more frequently that we knew about.  When this happens the food or pills go down the wrong tube and end up in the lungs, which then have to try to digest it.  She had been have trouble breathing ever since last week’s episode and was finally convinced my FIL need to bring her to the hospital.  They have set her up with antibiotics and she will be in the hospital for a while.  There is talk of her needing a pick (?), which I guess they add a tube or port in her abdomen where they would administer meds and nourishment – this would bypass the need for her to swallow and chance getting more down the wrong tubes.  Walleye and my FIL have differing opinions on whether or not she should have one.  Walleye’s point is that eating is about the only thing in life she can do and enjoy, and she loves to eat.  Taking that away from her would be taking away one of the only things she takes pleasure in.  My FIL’s point is that eating is what’s causing her to get sick over and over again and there are only so many times she can handle that.  I see both sides.  In the end it will be her choice.  We rushed up there after work last night and sat with her and my FIL for a few hours.  She has a very hard time talking and towards the end of the visit she wasn’t making much sense.  I am not sure if it was the meds she was put on or if she was just so tired from not feeling well for the past few days. 

Duckie, my brother, has his MRI and CT scan tomorrow to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else.  Then Friday he has surgery to remove the remaining lymph nodes from under his left arm.  Apparently he will have a drain for a while too.  He finds out the results of his tests and what the next steps will be on the 23^rd.  I think it is actually starting to hit him and hit him hard.  He doesn’t seem near as upbeat as he used to.  It’s just so hard to see him like this and to even try to know what he must be going through. 

Come July 1 myself and thousands of others may be laid off.  I am a state of MN employee and if our state government can’t finalize a budget by July 1 we go into shutdown mode.  I have an entire post ready on this and even though I am not freaking out too much about it there are still side effects from the possibility.  Like not only getting our work done that needs to get done but trying to prepare for the possible shutdown.  But how do you prepare for the unknown.  And there is the constant chatter at work about it and you hear so many different things you don’t know what to believe and not believe.  Work is so unbelievably crazy and busy my head is spinning for hours after I leave my 10 hour work days (thankful for Fridays off!!!).  **UPDATE** One prayer has been answered...early this afteroon we learned that the operating system that my University is a member of will not be affected by the shut down - at least during summer session.  Apparently they have enough money from carryovers and such to for the universities to stay open!  Thank you Lord!  Still praying that we do not go into a government shutdown as it will affect so, so many out there but thankful I can check one thing off my worry list. **UPDATE**

Tomorrow we meet with a new RE.  The RE I wish we would have gone to back in April instead of wasting time with Dr. E.  Even though this is a good thing it is still stressful.

Soon we will be in the midst of the cycle and the meds, shots, TIC and all that goes with that.

Adding all those pieces together and I am about ready to burst.  I try to tell myself that things could be worse but that only gets me so far…

Struggling

I have been wanting to write this post for a while but was struggling with exactly what to say and how to write it.  I so very much appreciate all those who read my blog, pray for Walleye and I, comment and offer up so much support.  It warms my heart and I do appreciate all of it. 

As those of you who have been reading lately you know I have had some problems with my current RE.  I so appreciate the offers to discuss certain Drs and willingness to recommend Drs.

While Walleye and I are both Catholic (my faith is stronger, quite a bit stronger than Walleye’s, but definitely not at the level of some fellow bloggers – I can only hope in time it will be).  We are unsure about NFP.  There…I said it!  What a load off!  I have been scared to death to share that for fear I wouldn’t be “accepted” by fellow bloggers or no one would continue to read or I’d be judged, lectured and pushed too much towards NFP.  Then I realized a few things.  This blog wasn’t started for me to be accepted by fellow bloggers.  I started it for me, as a place to write about what I was going through with dealing with infertility and PCOS. If someone wanted to read and follow, that was just a plus. And to be honest, I was a little greedy – I was scared I’d lose some prayers.  But I realized the wonderful blog ladies aren’t really the judgmental types and they don’t seem as though they’d lecture or push too much.  And who was I to think I even deserved their prayers in the first place – could I be any more self-centered? 

I have noticed that my faith has started to grow since reading other blogs and writing my own.  I have learned about certain Saints, prayed my first Novena, and felt my belief in God, His timing and His teachings strengthen.  I hope as I continue to read, write and venture through IF my faith will continue to get stronger and that I may help Walleye with his. 

I haven’t completely dismissed NFP but we aren’t ready for it.  We aren’t sure that we agree with the Catholic Church’s view on IUIs (yet to be completely ironic I don’t know that I believe in IVF) and we are hoping to do an IUI next cycle with the new RE I am meeting on Thursday down in Mpls.  I don’t really want to get into a debate on IUIs and IVF and what not.  I guess I just simply want to say thank you to those who have offered recommendations, shared stories of their own experiences, read and encouraged me and especially for the prayers.   And mainly that I don’t mean to offend anyone by not taking their recommendations or at this time discussing NFP. 

CD2

First off thank you for any prayers for me this cycle.  They are appreciated!  Today is CD2.  I am OK with it.  I think deep down I knew AF would come this month so wasn't surprised when my pg test at the Dr office yesterday showed up as  BFN and then last night she arrived.  I didn't even cry - probably because I had a major melt down the night before so I had all that crying out of my system (long story for a different day).

It might not have hit me that hard because I got strangely sick yesterday. Monday I woke up with a stiff neck and sore left shoulder blade/back area - figured I just slept wrong on it.  Tuesday I had a small headache but figured it was because my bobby pins were too tight.  Then yesterday on my way back to work after my Dr appointment my headache was so bad the light from the sun, even with sunglasses on, was so bright I could barely drive and it hurt and was making me sick to my stomach.  I was super achy all over - especially my back.  my ears were burning and felt fuzzy - which generally means I have a fever.  So I said to heck with it and went home.  Turns out I had a fever of 100.2.  I laid in bed resting but not able to sleep and I'd go from extreme hot to extreme cold and then be both at once.  About 7 I was sweating profusely and am pretty sure that's when my fever broke.  By 8 my fever was gone and I was at 98.7, didn't have the aches or chills or sweats.  My headache was barely there and my body just felt clammy all over.  About 8:30 AF showed up and by 9:30 my temp was 96.8.  I slept great last night. And I feel fine today.  Isn't that the strangest thing. I knew you could get a 24 hours bug but I never thought you could get a 10 hour bug. 

Yesterday was the icing on the cake with Dr. E's office.  Although I had already called my regular Dr the day before for a new referral (a story for another day).  I got to Dr. E's office with a full bladder knowing they would give me a pg test since it was CD30 and no AF.  The nurse calls me back and asks me to step on the scale and I jokingly said to subtract 5 lbs since my bladder was so full.  She looked at me all confused and asked if I needed to use the restroom.  I said I thought they might want me to take a pg test.  And she said, oh you could if you want just to be sure.  OK?  Confusion...but I went with it.  (And I did lose over 2 lbs just from peeing!).  Then we get in the room and she takes my BP and asks how I'm doing.  If I am on any pain meds.  I was really confused and thought maybe she saw my surgery scar and was thinking that.  Then she was updating my chart and started going over the meds i am on and said something about a nose spray and I said no, no nose spray.  And she said your birth date is 9.20 and I cut her off and said no it's xx/xx/xxxx.  And she was all confused and said you're Sunfish right.  I said yep.  Turns out she grabbed the wrong patient file as there was one other Sunfish there at that time.  If she would have confirmed my first and last name and DOB right away like most places to she would have noticed that.  So by now I am furious.  She not only wasted my time but started updating someone else's chart with MY info.  No wonder she was confused about the pg test.  Then I had to wait forever for Dr. E and come to find out that they never did the referral the promised.  It was the last straw with this Dr.  I am so mad we didn't just go to the Dr I wanted to down in the cities back in April.  I wish I wouldn't have agreed to try Dr E even for one cycle...I just feel like was wasted ANOTHER three months. 

Well at least now I know I can have a few Nordeast beers at the picnic on Sunday - which I am so excited about.  (The picnic not the beers...well OK maybe the beers a little bit.)  We have our annual family picnic with my Mom's side on Sunday.  All my aunts, uncles, cousins and their spouses and kids from my Mom's side are getting together!  We used to get together all the time but then people started growing up and having their own families and it just got too hard.  So we try for at least once a year to get us all together.  And man are there a ton of us!  My Mom had 8 brothers and sisters and I have tons of cousins.  My uncle from down south is even coming up!  We will miss my cousin who recently deployed to Kuwait (or I think is still in the US training for a bit before heading over). 

 

Distracted

Distracted.  That was me for most of the weekend.  It was a blessing!  We had dinner Friday night with friend.   Cleaned the house Saturday morning while Walleye fished, then Walleye and I painted his new-used shed and went to another friends' for dinner on Saturday night.  Yesterday we finished the second coat of paint on the shed, went to a movie and shopped for flowers.  It was just what I needed to keep my mind busy and not think too much about if I could be pregnant. 

Saturday when I was cleaning I had to restock our jars of cotton balls and q-tips that sit on the counter and when I went under the bathroom sink to find the stash of both I found sitting right on top of them was an HPT.  It took ALL I had NOT to test right then and there.  I so badly wanted to.  So.badly.wanted.to.  But I refrained.  My goal is to wait until my appointment on Wednesday but I just don't know that I can....

Having never been a regular gal I am not certain when AF would be considered late for me.  Last month CD1 came on CD34 of the previous cycle.  I have some friends who get theirs every 28 days like clockwork and other friends who vary by a few days.  Today is CD28 for me.  I so badly want to run home after work and take one.  But then I think last month AF arrived on CD34 - that's another whole 6 days.  I can't really wait that long, well I could but I don't think I'd be sane at the end of it!

But to be completely honest part of me is scared that it will be negative and I will be crushed.  I am still pretty certain it didn't work this time but as much as I hate this waiting I sort of like the idea of there still being a possibility and taking an HPT and having it negative would crush that possibility. So part of me wants to put off testing as long as possible...

You'd think work would be a distraction...but in fact I think it is exactly opposite.  Probably because I sit at a computer every day, all day long, and in an instant can be consulting Dr. Google...which just feeds my insanity. 

Seriously, a week to wait yet?!?!?

A nurse from Dr E’s office called today to let me know that my progesterone levels are normal and that Dr E wants me to continue with the Femara the same as last month.  WHOA…hold the phone.  I’m confused.  Why would you tell a patient that you know is TTC and is only 9 days past trigger shot to do Femara next schedule.  Isn’t it still too early to tell if it worked?  Wouldn’t you wait to cross that bridge until closer to AF’s estimated arrival?  Wouldn’t you wait to talk to them about it until their appointment next week, which happens to be approximately 14 DPO?  So I ask the nurse if he called in a prescription already or if he will do that when I meet with him next week.  I also told her that I don’t usually start Femara until 3 days after AF’s arrival but that I am not due for her to come until next week.  All the time I’m thinking:

Does he know something I don’t? 

Could he tell if it really didn’t work already? 

Did they test my blood for more than just progesterone? 

What about this referral to another Dr for next month? 

Why would he prescribe something if I am going to a different Dr? 

Cue  huge lump in my throat so big I feel as though I may choke and the formation of big, fat tears as I wait for the nurse to respond.  She tells me to hold while she quick checks – comes back to tell me that if AF arrives before my 6.8.11 appointment with Dr E to call them and they’ll send in a prescription. If AF doesn’t arrive by my appointment then he’ll prescribe it when I come in.  Obviously they have no hope that it worked.  It doesn’t even seem to be on their mind that there COULD be a positive pregnancy this month.  I try to keep my voice as steady as possible and thank her and hang up.  The phone is not even 2 cm from my ear before the tears start to fall and I start to really, really cry.  I can’t help but feel completely hopeless about this cycle.  I started to wonder if it really is too early to test (which, yes the sane and rational me knows it’s only been about a week since ovulation so yes it is too early to test but the crazy and irrational me thinks otherwise.)  So add the phone call from the nurse to my already insanely negative feelings about this cycle and you have pretty depressed and hopeless Sunfish.  I just want whatever day I can test to come and go so we can get started on the next cycle.

I’ve noticed this week I’ve been really down.  I had the house to myself for the past two nights and usually I love to use that time to clean and organize but I couldn’t do more than sit my big butt down on the couch both nights and watch lame made for TV movies.  I’ve had a constant lump in my throat and tears are never very far from falling.

Last night I brought supper out to my MIL and she, for the first time, started asking if Walleye and I were ever going to have kids (Ummm, It’s only been 18 months since we got married).  I gave some general answer like “at some point – when it happens it happens” and she immediately starts telling me how to get pregnant and that she knows as she had two kids of her own and was a nurse.  I was not in the mood to hear from her how one goes about getting pregnant.  Yes, she was a nurse 15 years ago and yes she did have two kids but that doesn’t mean she knows everything.  Not to mention it’s me, her and her aid.  Like I want to get into this with some random aid.  So I try to blow her off and let her go off on her speech but when it’s clear she’s not giving up any time soon I firmly tell her “I know how it works and when it happens, it happens.”   Thankfully the aid realizes I am getting really uncomfortable and before my MIL can say another word shoves a spoonful of sauerkraut hotdish in my MIL’s mouth.  Coincidentally Walleye called not 10 minutes later and got kind of upset with me for not telling her what was really going on.  Really?!?!?  This coming from Mr. “Let’s-Not’Tell-Anyone-Anything” and Mr. “I-Can’t-Believe-You-Told-Your-Mom/sister/K!”  So, I think Walleye and I are going to have a little chat tonight.  I didn’t want to go into everything with him on the phone last night as I didn’t want to start crying at my MIL’s house and have to explain that too.  If he wants to tell her, he can but I want him to do so when she is alone and make her promise she won’t tell any of her aids, sisters, my BIL or especially his super fertile gf or anyone for that matter.  I feel like such a horrible DIL for not sharing this with her but I just couldn’t.  I feel guilty for telling my Mom and not his.  I feel bad lying to her.    

Oh why can’t it just be a week from now….

More waiting...

My dad went with Duckie to his Dr appointment today and emailed a recap of the appointment.  they want to do a CT scan and MRI to see if the cancer has spread any further.  He also needs to have the rest of his lymph nodes removed from the area the other three were taken from.  The tests and the surgery can wait until after his vacation - thankfully as I know how excited he was to go to Bonaroo in TN.  I don't even remember the last time he has taken a vacation so it's good he's still able to go.  He has another Dr. appointment on 6.23.11 to discuss test results and options.  Looks like there will be three options for him to choose from: 1. a shot of interferon three times a week for a year; 2. a clinical trial which the closest to him would either be the cities or Rochester and both are 2 hours away; or 3. nothing and go back for checks every 3 - 6 months...but they won't know for sure until they know the results of the CT/MRI.  So not the best news but not horrible either.  I am taking some comfort in that he doesn't have to do any of this immediately and can wait until after his vacation and that the next follow up isn't until almost a month away.  I am going to call him tonight between work and bringing my MIL sauerkraut hotdish and rhubarb dessert.  This waiting until 6/23 really just sucks though (which I am sure it does even more so for Duckie).

Because my FIL is fishing (with Walleye) I decided to bring my MIL supper tonight as I am sure it gets lonely only having the company of two aids throughout the day - especially considering she really can't do much of anything but listen to the TV and the aids talk.  I absolutely love sauerkraut hotdish and Walleye absolutely hates it so I am excited to be able to eat it tonight!  When I called my MIL last night and asked if she had plans for supper tonight and then mentioned I'd bring it out to her she really perked up.  This will be the first time I've actually gone out there by myself to visit - I've dropped things off before or picked things up but never just gone out to visit by myself.  It's about time I start though...

Today is not a good day in the 2WW area....I am filled with doubt that it actually is going to happen this cycle which is leading to my being quite the debbie downer.  That combined with my brother's illness and Walleye being gone it's really got me down in the dumps.  :(  Maybe its best to stop this post right here before it gets too dark and dreary.