Haircut & Color

What does "Haircut & Color" have to do with blogging about infertility...well for one, this blog will mainly be about my struggle with infertility but it may also be about other things in my lIFe...however, this time "haircut & color" really does have something to do with my struggles.  You see, tonight I am getting my haircut and colored.  I get easily bored with my hair and decided after the great perm debacle of 2010 to never to anything that drastic or damaging to my hair again!  I don't want to cut it short as I have worked hard to grow it long and not to mention the last time I cut it short the first thing my then boyfriend, now husband said to me was: "Babe, what happened?".  Granted he had no idea that on a complete whim or being utterly bored one day I called up, got an appointment, and had 7 inches cut off my hair into the "Posh bob".  So back to haircut & color.  I am pretty positive my stylist is going to tell me she is expecting tonight.  M is the wife of one of my husband's friends and through that has become a friend of mine as well.  She's great fun and we get along wonderfully.  She and her husband got married 4 months before us and have been trying for a baby ever since.  About two months ago, actually a little over two months ago, we were on our way to a mutual friend's bachelorette party and I got this overwhelming feeling that she was pregnant but also trying ourselves I was sensitive to always being asked so decided against it.  Then every time I saw her after that I got that same feeling but never wanted to ask.  Last night the phone rang and it was M's husband calling to talk to my husband about ice fishing this weekend.  The entire time S (M's husband) and Walleye (my husband) I kept thinking "this is it, he's going to tell Walleye that they are expecting" but I never heard Walleye congratulate him or say anything that would involve M being pregnant.  So he got off the phone with S and I asked what he wanted and Walleye said "not much" and I said "oh, I thought for sure he was calling to say M was pregnant".   Walleye ended up telling me that one of his coworkers, and a mutual friend of M's and mine, got her haircut by M last week and M let it slip that she was pregnant and of course this coworker/friend told Walleye right away.  I am so happy for them!  I really am but it was extremely hard hearing it.  I don't know how to explain it or why it hit me so hard.  They had been trying longer than we had and I know they will be great parents.  I am not jealous, which I thought for sure I would be.  I am just sad.  Just curious when it will be my turn.  If I will ever have a baby.  It just plain hurts. It hurts so much I am dreading getting my haircut and colored tonight.  So much so I even contemplated cancelling but I am not going to.  I am going to suck it up and go and pray to God I don't have a breakdown.