More on Duckie

I don't even know where to start.  Or really even what to say. 

I finally felt like I could talk to Duckie without crying a few days after getting the initial news so I gave him a call and it was good to talk to him.  He sounded a bit deflated (who wouldn't!) but still positive.  I don't know if he was trying to stay positive and strong for me or if he really is doing as good as he seems to. And because G and I had nothing planned on my day off on that Friday two days later we headed to my parents for Friday until Saturday.  My sister, cousin and I went to the area Relay for Life with Duckie that night.  Again, his strength amazed me.  He wanted to go at a certain time because his favorite cancer nurse was in the dunk tank and he wanted to dunk her.  Mission accomplished - only needed three of the 30 balls he got for his 20$.  It was good to spend some time with him, my parents and sister. 

The cancer has spread to his brain (which we knew - three spots, one the size of my Dad's thumb nail), liver, lungs and bone for sure.  He didn't give me much more detail than that.  I asked my parents, both seperately, just how bad it was and they both had the same answer: "Bad, really bad". 

He is did two weeks of radiation and then had a second opinion at the Ma.yo.  His insurance approved him for the new, uber expensive drug (Zel.boraf which I read costs $9,400 a week but my Mom heard $9,800 a month!) but haven't told him how much his copay will be.  Right now the drug company gave him a month's worth.  He takes 4 pills twice a day.  I don't know how long he will be on it.  About 50% of patients who take it extend their life by some degree - haven't really taken the time to find out exactly how long. 

He's starting to feel tired and naseaus.  Last weekend at my parents was the first I had seen him since he lost his hair (from the radiation). 

He didn't ask "how long" he has - said that he had been feeling so good (up until the side effects of the drug started in), ironically, that he didn't want to know.  He also mentioned that they never know for sure how long a person really has.  I can't blame him - I wouldn't want to know...well maybe I would.  I don't know. 

It’s just so surreal…so different when it’s your brother and when you are in your 30s and he’s in his 40s.  When my Grandpa F had cancer and we knew it wasn’t treatable it was sad and hard but he was 70 some and a Grandparent so you just sort of know he’s going to pass away but you don’t expect your brother to be sick and facing death at 46. 

I keep wondering if we will have any more Thanksgivings or Christmasses with him, will this be the last family reunion he'll make it to and will G ever get to know him.  That's the killer - when I think of that one it gets me every time.  Every.time.

(You have to forgive me for being so all over the board - I hope I am making at least a little sense!)

Duckie update

My big brother, Duckie, was diagnosed with Stage IV Melanoma (skin cancer) in the spring of 2011.  He underwent various treatments (lymph node removal, immunotherapy, shots three times a week for the past year, etc).  Well he had his last shot the Friday after the 4th.  We were all thrilled, none more so that Duckie.  And we were thanking God that Duckie's year of shots and tiredness and other unpleasant side effects was over. 

Then last week I get an email from my parents saying that Duckie had had a seizure at work (complete with foaming at the mouth) and so an ambulance had taken him to the ER and he was given an MRI and scheduled for the PET scan for later in the week.  They would see the Dr on Monday (today) to review the MRI and PET scans and form a plan of action.  They did know he had a tumor on his brain and that they would start radiation on Monday but that brain surgery might be a possibility.  Friday after his PET scan they made a mask for his radiation.  He and his dog were staying with them for the time being as the Dr said he shouldn't be along for a while in case of other seizures.  They said Duckie was upbeat but not really ready to talk about it all yet and would call us (my sister and I) after the Dr appt on Monday. 

It was a long few days of waiting - way longer I am sure for Duckie.  I talked to him yesterday and he was extremely upbeat and positive.  Ready to start the radiation and see what the Dr had to say today.

I was so positive after hearing him and his positivity.  I thought for sure he wouldn't have to go through more than just a few weeks of radiation.  That he would be spared brain surgery.  Then his email came in this morning.

Not good.

The treatments didn't work.  The cancer has spread throughout his body.  Not just to his brain. 

He will still do two weeks radiation to the spots on his brain but for the rest of his body will most likely try a newer pill, Zel.boraf, which has good success at holding the cancer back.  But it is not a cure.

He will go to the Ma.yo for a second opinion in a few weeks.  He was treated at the Ma.yo the first time he had cancer (non-Hodg.kins Lym.phoma) 20 some years ago.

I don't even know what to think.  I can't seem to stop crying.  I can't help but think how unfair this is.  Not that I want anyone else to have cancer but why him?  Why a second time in his life?  Why did it have to spread?  Why did he have to go through the past year of shots and all that went along with it to only have it not work? 

This just isn't fair. This sucks.

Birth story

Lucky’s Birth Story

Tuesday, March 13, 2012 I woke up not feeling like myself.  I couldn’t tell you what was different but I just felt “off”. Then as I was walking out the door for work I felt a couple huge waves of nausea (my only ones all pregnancy) and contemplated waking Walleye up and calling in sick to work but decided I should at least attempt to go in.  Why waste a sick day when I could wait and use them for maternity leave.  The drive in to work I started feeling strange sensations in my belly – not really cramps but kind of cramps.  I didn’t think they were contractions but wasn’t sure as I never had Braxton hicks contractions and wasn’t sure exactly what contractions felt like. 

I got to work and immediately had to run to a meeting.  The meeting ran long, my iPad was dead and by the time I got back to my desk Walleye had emailed asking where I was and if I was at the hospital.  I quickly responded telling him I was just in a meeting and not at the hospital but that it might not be too far off.  I explained what I had felt earlier that morning and we spent the rest of the day emailing back and forth about what I was feeling and if it was going to be “the day”.  Neither of us told anyone what was going on – it was kind of fun having that “secret” from the rest of the world. 

As the day wore on I started feeling more and more normal and the strange sensations in my belly had tapered off.  We decided that after work we’d go for a walk and go out for Mexican as planned and see what happened.  I was so worried about “jinxing it” that I didn’t want to cancel plans because we thought we *might* be in labor. 

So that evening we went for a walk and then out for Mexican.  At the restaurant we joked about my water breaking and having to run out like you see in the movies.  I immediately thought of the scene in Jerry McGuire when Cuba Gooding Jr’s character’s wife goes into labor at the restaurant and he throws a credit card down on the table, he picks up one of his kids sideways and they run out. 

We got home from supper around 7:30 pm and I felt a huge urge to pee so went to the bathroom and relieved myself.  Then as I was washing my hands I peed myself a little.  I thought that was strange as I had just emptied my bladder but it wasn’t near enough to have been my water breaking.  So I stood there for a bit and it was as though there was a slow leak from my bladder.  So I went to the living room and told Walleye I thought my water had sprung a leak.  We laughed and figured it couldn’t be that but rather that my bladder muscles were weakened or something.  But we decided to get things ready just in case – I started cleaning up the kitchen and next thing I knew there was a tiny puddle on the kitchen floor.  So we called “Ask-A-Nurse” and she said it sounded like my water had broken and that we should get to the hospital.  She called ahead to let them know we were coming while we packed up, took one last pregnancy photo and headed out about 9:30 pm for the hospital. 

On our way I called my parents and Walleye called his – we told them that we were going in but to sit tight and not tell anyone as it could be a false alarm or if it was the real deal it could be a while. 

Because it was “after hours” we had to enter through the ER. We did the preliminary check in and they wheeled me up to L&D triage where they checked me – I was barely dilated to a 1 and only 50% effaced.  Then they did a test to see if my water had broken – it looks a lot like a home pregnancy test – I had no idea they existed or could do that!  The test was positive so they moved me down to a labor room.  I think we got to our room about 10:30 pm.  Walleye called each of our parents and told them we were being admitted but that things weren’t very far along and that we’d call when we knew more.

While they were waiting for the test results of if my water had broken I overheard the nurse tell another one to call my Dr. (Dr. B) and the other nurse said he wasn’t on call that night but to call Dr. H.  My ears perked up immediately because Dr. H was the original OB I started my pregnancy with but changed to Dr. B because I didn’t like Dr. H.  I about cried.  I looked at Walleye and he knew exactly what I was thinking.  So when the nurse came in one of us asked if it was true Dr. B wouldn’t be around and that it would be Dr. H.  She confirmed it and must have noticed the disappointment on my face as she asked if I knew Dr. H.  I explained my situation but told her that was fine and that I knew all along there was a chance I’d have Dr. H for delivery. 

Because my water had broken but I was barely dilated or effaced they started Pitocin to help move things along.  All this time I wasn’t feeling any contractions.  I spent the next couple of hours feeling pretty good and not feeling much but as time wore on the contractions became more intense.  We took walks, watched TV, played games on the iPad, Walleye slept but I found the best thing was for me to rock in the rocking chair. I found a pretty good rhythm for breathing through contractions but they were definitely getting worse as the night (or morning I guess) wore on.  Finally about 4 am I decided it was time to get the epidural.  I had been on the fence about getting one as it scared the daylights out of me but in the end the pain won.  (I am a wimp when it comes to pain!!!).  During this entire time my blood pressure was really wonky – it would be really high one reading and fine the next.  They were having a hard time keeping Lucky on the monitor so they ended up having to use an internal fetal monitor.  I was checked numerous times throughout the night but never seemed to be making much progress in dilation nor effacement.  I was dilated to a 5 and 80% effaced by early morning and about 6 am Dr. H came in and said we were going to monitor for a couple hours but that we might want to start thinking about the possibility of a c-section if things didn’t pick up.  They had been adjusting the Pitocin levels but were at a point where they didn’t want to give me any more.    

I immediately started to cry when I heard those words.  “C-section”.  That was not at all what I wanted.  She did a really good job of making sure I knew it was nothing I could help and that it was not certain at this point but rather just start wrapping my brain around the possibility. 

I was able to get about an hour of sleep after that and at 8 am when Dr. H came in for a check I still hadn’t dilated past a 5 but my effacement had actually started reversing.  She said once that happens there’s no going forward and we would have to do a c-section.  She said she’d check the schedule but they’d try to get me in as soon as possible.  So Walleye called our parents to let them know – for some reason I just couldn’t call my parents to tell them.  I knew if I did I would start to cry.  We asked that they still not tell anyone. 

Dr. H came back and said we were scheduled for noon and that it would be about an hour in surgery and an hour in recovery so we could let your families know.  Walleye called both sets of parents.  Mine live two hours away and were already more than half way to us!  Walleye then packed up all of our stuff because we would not be in the same room after the c-section – in fact after surgery I would go to a recovery room for an hour and then to my actual room.  And then we waited and waited and waited.  Finally about 12:45 I was wheeled into the surgery room and was told Walleye would be in before surgery started. 

Once in there it was a blur – I had all these people introducing themselves to me and explaining who they were and what their job was.  They all moved so quickly and before I knew it I was tented, hair netted, and tubed and they were ready to get started.  One problem, there was no Walleye!  Finally about 5 minutes into surgery they brought him in.  I took one look at him in his “suit” and hair net and immediately Adam Sandler’s “Lunchlady Land” song popped into my head. 

I don’t remember much about the c-section besides that dang song running through my head constantly and then feeling guilty about that being what I was thinking about while my child was being born!  I do remember not really feeling much tugging and pulling and not much pressure.  You know those lead blankets they put over you during x-rays at the dentist’s office – well it felt like I had one of those on me and someone was gently pushing down on it every so often. 

I remember it felt like forever before they got her out.  All of a sudden we heard a cry but the Drs said nothing and after what felt like an eternity both Walleye and I asked “well, is it a boy or a girl?” and the response was that the baby wasn’t far enough out to know that yet.  Finally we heard “It’s a girl!” and I was dumbfounded.  Shocked.  I thought for sure it was going to be a boy.  So did Walleye. 

Eventually they called Walleye over to our precious baby and he brought her over for me to meet her before they took her for weighing, measuring, etc.  We were trying to decide on a name – Walleye quickly ruled out one of my favorites – Greta and I agreed.  She just didn’t look like a Greta.  We had three names though that we thought fit but couldn’t decide. 

It was very surreal.  It didn’t really feel like she was mine.  Like I hadn’t given birth to her – as crazy as this may sound I have always wanted to experience the traditional, non-surgical child birth.  And I was extremely disappointed that we weren’t going to get that immediate precious skin-to-skin contact time and that I was going to have to wait so long to see and hold her. 

Nonetheless the rest of the surgery went by fast.  I remember asking whoever was at my head after Walleye and Lucky left if the Dr. could give me a six pack while she was working in there.  They didn’t have much of a sense of humor and didn’t really say anything.  I thought I was pretty darn funny though.

Once everything was tidied up and I was stitched up they brought me to my recovery room and I finally got to see my dear little girl.  I still couldn’t hold her but at least she could be put on my chest and I could love on her.  That’s when I found out she was 9 lbs 4 oz and 20.5 inches long.  Because labor had stalled she had quite the misshaped head but they assured us it would round out quickly – and thankfully it did and amazingly fast!

While in recovery we talked names but we just couldn’t decide.  While we deliberated we called Lucky’s grandparents, aunts and uncles.  Finally about three hours after she was born we had decided on her name!  We took Walleye’s Mom’s first name (Grace) and combined it with my Dad’s first name (Lynn) for her first name and for her middle name used my middle name – which also happens to be my Mom’s middle name.  It was a tough call though as we also really liked Lillian (which was my paternal grandmother’s name) and Walleye liked Madelynn but in the end neither seemed right for Lucky.   I do have to say if she had been a boy he probably STILL wouldn’t have a name. 

For the most part she was perfectly healthy but her bilirubin levels were a bit high and she started losing weight.  By the time we were to be released she had lost almost an entire pound.  And she had a bit of a yellow hue to her.  We had asked and asked for a lactation consultant because she wasn’t latching on –which I truly believe is partially because of the c-section and her not having the immediate opportunity to try to latch on. 

So the nurses showed us how to feed using a nipple shield and a syringe with formula until my milk came in.  They were hesitant to let us go home because she had lost so much weight.  Because they were exceptionally busy (meaning no room at the inn for us) and we appeared to be mature parents who they felt confident would make sure our baby would eat and gain weight they let us go – with the promise that we would bring her to the clinic the next day to get weighed.

So March 17^th, St. Patrick’s Day we got to bring our real life luck charm home!  You know the kicker was when I was looking for “going home” outfits I kept going back to the cutest little dress with shamrocks on it but figured I shouldn’t get it because 1. I was convince Lucky was a boy and 2. It’s March in MN so most likely would be freezing cold.  Boy was I wrong on both accounts!  She was a girl and it was unseasonably warm for MN and the temperature hit record highs! 

Tragic

I am in complete shock.  I am speechless.  I cannot even believe the news I got over the weekend.  A college friend/acquaintance who was 3 1/2 months pregnant with her second child, her husband and their 18 month old daughter were killed by a drunk driver in a head on crash.  I am still in complete shock. 

I feel so bad for their friends and families - I cannot even begin to imagine how they are feeling and what they are going through. 

Allie and I weren't close friends but we had the same major so had a lot of classes together.  We also had a lot of mutual friends so I got to know her through school and friend.  After college she was my ad sales rep for the local newspaper.  She always had a smile on her face.  She was genuinely nice - probably one of the nicest people I have ever known. 

My heart breaks for those close to all three of them.  If you wouldn't mind, I'd appreciate if you could say a prayer or two for them and their friends and family. 

Here is a newspaper article on the accident:

http://www.inforum.com/event/article/id/366611/

A year has gone by in {what feels like} a day

A year ago today we found out we were expecting our little Gracelynn!  I cannot believe how FAST that year has flown by!  It was a whirlwind. 

Hard to believe she is 16 weeks old already.  We are so blessed.  She is growing well - really long considering height isn't abundant in either side of her family!  She's chunking up - or gaining well.  (which unfortunately weight is abundant on both sides of her family!)  Two Friday's ago she was 13 lbs 13 oz!  She has quite the little personality and has most everyone she meets wrapped around her little finger within minutes of meeting her.  Thankfully her colic seems to be getting better - slowly but surely.  Some evenings we have been pretty much colic free even!  Not every evening but it's getting better. 

We were able to celebrate the 4th down at my parents with them, my siblings, and my aunt and uncle.  It was a nice time. 

Birth story almost done...will come soon!

Well that flew by,,,

Will post more but I am back from my 12 week maternitly leave!  Our beautiful, punctual daughter was born on her due date, 3.14.12!  She was 9 lbs 4 oz and 20.5 inches long!  She is such a wonderful blessing!!! 

Her birth story will follow...eventually! 

39w 6d

Hard to believe tomorrow marks 40w!  Oh my goodness!!!  Where did it go?  I can not believe how fast my pregnancy flew by - granted I know it's not over yet...according to my Doc I'll go late so I could have a week or more to go yet. 

My Grandma seems to be coming around a little bit but her health is definitely slipping.  As hard as it is I think I am finally coming to terms with it - I mean I knew she wouldn't live forever and that chances are it would be sooner than I'd like but I'm starting to accept that it could be anytime now and that I am dang lucky to have had all these years with her.  Walleye's last grandparent passed away when he was only 14 and he never got to meet one of his grandparents.  I was lucky in that I not only knew all my Grandparents, and knew them well but I also knew 4 of my Great Grandparents and got to spend more time with some of them than Walleye did with his Grandparents. 

It's still hard and is going to be really hard when Grandma does pass away but I know she'll be in heaven with Grandpa, their son and other loved ones. 

I am still holding out hope that she's around long enough to meet Lucky!
Speaking of Lucky I think he/she may be here sooner rather than later.  I've been having what I think are weak contractions (I am not certain as I haven't had any braxton hix contracts - or at least none that I've felt this entire pregnancy) every so often, I feel a ot more pressure lower, and I've been feeling generally off or just not myself all day.  It could be hopeful early labor and really nothing at all but I'm going for optimism and thinking that it's the beginning!  :) 

One thing that's for sure is being t-minus one day from due date sure puts some motivation and drive in my work ethic....I think in the last day and half I have gotten more done at work than for weeks previous!  I best get back at it - there are a few more projects I'd like to tackle today....