Distractions needed...

Duckie got his results back on Friday – one of the three lymph nodes had cancer in them.  Not what we were hoping for but at least cancer wasn't in all three of the lymphnodes they removed, right?!?!  He meets with the Dr on Wednesday to discuss their plan of attack.  I haven’t talked to him and it’s killing me but it was pretty obvious in his email he wasn’t ready to talk yet so I figure I will call him on Wednesday.  I wish I wasn't two hours away from him…

We are half way through the 2WW and it’s getting harder every day.  Today I had a blood draw to check my progesterone.  I see the Dr on June 8…but that seems like an eternity away – especially with Walleye gone on his annual fishing trip with his Dad for the next few days. 

I had a very vivid dream that I had a baby boy.  I wasn’t pregnant in the dream and I didn’t dream about the birth but rather it started with us pulling into the driveway bringing him home from the hospital.  I don’t remember much else but that he had a mint green nursery.  I played the “what if” game a lot in my head this weekend.  I wish I wouldn’t because I feel like I am setting myself up for a huge disappointment but I just couldn’t help myself. 

Timing would be so perfect, I know this is not about MY timing but rather HIS timing, but if it did work this month we would be able to tell my Mom and Dad for their birthday’s in August, Walleye’s Mom for her birthday in August, do something fun to tell my Dad’s side of the family at the Annual Family Picnic in August and tell our wedding party in a fun way at our annual Wedding Party BBQ.  I’ve got so many fun ideas planned…like I said I just couldn’t help myself.  I didn’t share this with Walleye as he hates when I get so far ahead of myself because he knows how hurt and devastated I’ll be if it doesn’t work. 

On the same note, I’ve also started to convince myself that it didn’t work because I am so good at knowing when other people are – sometimes even before  they know.  I just get a feeling.  I just know.  But I haven’t gotten that feeling about myself…and you’d think of all people "myself" would be the one person I’d just know about. 

I am starting to drive myself crazy…I need to focus on something else for the next 9 days….

Quick Post

I decided to take the afternoon off today - for no reason other than it's the friday before a long weekend, campus is dead and I just plain don't feel like being here!  Our internet is down at home so blogging will be a bit challenging until I return to to work on Tuesday...GRRR! 

Praying, praying, praying for Duckie today.  (Another reason not to be at work - I can't concentrate on much as I keep getting sidetracked thinking about Duckie's appointment today.)  Hoping the results show the cancer has not spread.

Kind of in a stooper about this cycle today.  In the shower this morning I started crying becasue I had this overwhelming feeling that it just wasn't going to happen this month.  *Sigh*  The ups and downs of IF continue. 

Heading out now to make a rhubarb dessert for us to enjoy over the long weekend!

This-N-That

I’ve noticed a few things in the last day or so that I think are side effects of the trigger shot.  For one, I am C.R.A.B.B.Y.  And for no reason at all and all the time.  No matter what I do I can’t seem to shake the crabbies.  And unfortunately, most of it is directed towards Walleye. 

I also have had the munchies – much like I get a little closer to AF’s arrival – but usually I don’t get them until less than a week before.  And usually I am craving chocolate and junk food but these munchies don’t crave anything in particular and nothing seems to satisfy them. 

And my anxiety levels have been creeping up  - I am anxious about just about everything and anything.  Especially the potential government shutdown that could happen in MN come July 1.  I am a state employee and I am not sure if my job is considered essential (I tend to think not but don’t want to ever say that out loud!) and not having my paycheck would make things tight, not to mention our insurance is through my job.  So then things start to worry me that if this cycle and June’s don’t work will we not be covered for the July and forward cycles?  And would I be able to collect vacation pay or does that stop too.  What about unemployment?  Hopefully in the next few weeks before July 1 our legislators get it figured out.

On a positive note my butt cheek is no longer tender and I haven’t randomly cried for no apparent reason.  And I think I have officially beat the caffeine withdrawals without giving in once!  I haven’t had a headache in quite a number of days!  I so badly wanted a Dr. Pepper the other day – it, in all its 23 flavor glory, is my all time favorite pop after all - but I reminded myself that it doesn’t come in a caffeine free version and I no longer wanted it! 

Tomorrow Duckie meets with the Dr. to review the biopsy results from his surgery last Friday.  Praying all looked good and the cancer hadn’t spread. 

I feel silly being sooo consumed with this cycle when there are people out there like Duckie, who are facing much more serious illnesses or the victims of the storms the last few days. 

Going slightly crazy already!

Yesterday was a weird day for me – body wise.  For a good portion of the day I felt immense pressure in my abdomen and ovary area.  It felt like I had a huge fart built up in there or like there were numerous balloons being blown up causing all the pressure.  It would go away and come back and wasn’t really painful just uncomfortable.  It was odd.  By early evening it had pretty much subsided. I was still a little tender in there but not bad.  I don’t know if that was me actually feeling ovulation – but that seems strange too.  Or if it was just some strange coincidence.  I got a little worried that maybe I was experiencing hyper ovarian stimulation and consulted with Dr. Google but the symptoms didn’t really seem to fit.  I also had about a half hour where my ears inside felt extremely hot and fuzzy  - like they do when I get a fever.  But it was only for maybe a half hour.  Not to mention my butt cheek was (and is) still sore.  I am probably just hyper attuned to every little thing my body is doing right now and then over thinking it every little thing.  That is totally my M.O.

I also consulted with Dr. Google about the best time to TIC after the shot because our Dr didn’t give us specific orders like the previous Dr. had.  Previously we were told the night of the shot, then 12, 36 and 48 hours after the shot.  The second time we were told 24 and 48 hours after the shot.  This Dr said so long as we did so at least every other day.  Well the internet said in numerous places that ovulation typically occurs 36 – 40 hours after the hcg trigger so TIC is best around 36 and 48 hours after the shot.  Which would mean 36 hours would have been about 5 am this morning so after some “what do you think we should do?”, “I don’t know, what do you think we should do?” back and forth we finally decided on late last evening and then right after work tonight.  We had the night of the shot too.  So I don’t know…hopefully our timing will be ok.  I tend to over analyze EVERYTHING so I am sure it is fine but I was starting to have a little anxiety about it all yesterday. 

I also had my 6 week post op meeting with the surgeon’s assistance and I am now completely brace free!  I have PT to do until I don’t feel I need it anymore – she said I’d know when I didn’t need it anymore.  She did scold me for still wearing my brace – I told her that it was Walleye’s fault because he didn’t think she really meant it when she said I didn’t have to wear my brace all the time and only for sure at night so he would yell at me whenever I wasn’t wearing it. Yeah for no more brace!!!

How in the world does anyone survive the 2WW?  I am already driving myself nuts and it’s only been 45.5 hours since the shot! You’d think work would be a good distraction but not so much when you spend 99% of your work day at a computer in a job where you have free reign over the internet.  I have found myself bringing up more and more to Walleye things like “well if we ever get pregnant” and “if it works this time” I just hope I am not setting myself up for a huge, unbearable disappointment in two weeks if it’s a BFN.  I just can’t help myself though – I’ve had such an optimistic feeling about this cycle ever since the day AF arrived.  I just hope I can keep it a somewhat guarded optimism. 

My poor left butt cheek...

I woke up Sunday a bit sore and stiff from painting all day on Saturday - especially (and surprisingly) my butt, mainly the left butt cheek.I think it was due to bracing myself on the ladder and all the squatting.  Well yesterday it was feeling much better...until about 5 pm when I got the hcg trigger shot.  The darn nurse shot me right in the left butt cheek...my two previous hcg shots had been done in the thy and arm and never got sore or tender after.  But I have come to the conclusion that both being sore from painting and especially being sore from the shot are worth it...the room I painted at my cousin's farm turned out great and hopefully they shot leads to a baby! 

I am ever more frustrated with this Dr's office.  I had my u/s at 7:20 am yesterday and the techs (who were wonderful) seemed to "get" that the results should be read right away by my Dr and weren't going to dilly dally with getting the results to him.  Well I told myself I had to have patience and couldn't call my Dr until after 3 pm if they hadn't called me.  I know they don't return phone calls after 4 pm so figured if I gave them until 3 that was pretty good.  I also knew that the size my follies were pretty close to trigger time so time was definitely of the essence.  Well 3 pm came and I had a mini panic attack about calling them and appearing too needy or impatient.  Finally about 3:30 I called and left a message - which the receptionists aren't overly friendly and always make you feel bad for calling and leaving a message.  So my nurse called me back within 10 minutes and said "Hello Sunfish.  What can I help you with today?" and I said "I am trying to set my work schedule for the rest of the week and was wondering if I will be needing to make any additional u/s appointments or set up a time for the trigger shot?" and she sat there for a second and finally said "Um, wait, what are we..." and trailed off to silence and I said "I had my first u/s monitoring this morning and was wondering if Dr. E had a chance to review the results yet." and she said "oh, just a minute" and a few seconds of silence "oh I see the results are here.  I just need to have him review them.  I'll call you back shortly."  I said, in an extremely nice voice so as not to show how completely frustrated and near tears I was "Thanks so much!  I appreciate it."  Seriously?!?!  Are you kidding me?  What if I hadn't called to check up on things?  What if the results sat there for a few days and I missed our trigger window.  Do you know read my chart or take the time to figure out what patient you are calling before calling them?  I'm irritated and frustrated.  So 4 pm comes and I leave work for the day and put my cell phone in my purse (stupid move) and of course she calls back as I am walking to my car and I don't hear it ring.  Well she leaves me a message that Dr. E reviewed the results and everything looked good so we can trigger yet today (meaning Monday) or tomorrow (meaning Tuesday) and that she thinks we've talked about this before but that my shot can be picked up at the north pharmacy.  So I immediately call her back (not 4 minutes from when she left me the voicemail) to let her know I had my shot with me and would like to trigger right away and a nurse takes a message and said she'd put it on her desk.  Well I figured I'd quick run to pick up my dry cleaning and if I didn't hear back from the Nurse I'd just head to the clinic.  Sure enough I didn't hear back from her so I headed to clinic. When I got to the clinic I explained that I didn't have an appointment but had received a call from the Nurse that I could get my shot.  They had me sit down and not 2 minutes later the nurse comes out and asks me if I had my shot with me.  I said that I had grabbed it before heading to work that morning in case the u/s showed I was ready to trigger.  (apparently she didn't see the message on her desk).  So she took me back, gave me my shot and sent me on my way - with a note to get blood work for progesterone levels done on 5.31 and a follow up with Dr E on 6.8.

I asked if they had started the referral to the Dr in the cities and she said they hadn't and that she knows the Dr gets a few weeks backed up so she could if I wanted.  I reiterated that was exactly what I wanted as we didn't want to chance waiting or missing a cycle if this cycle didn't work.  She said they'd either contact me about setting up an appointment or she would and then said she could set up an appointment for me.  I said whatever worked best and would be the quickest to get an appointment set up.  She seemed really confused as to which was the best way and said she'd get started on it.  So if in a few days I don't hear from either I will call her to follow up.  I'm sure they don't want to lose a patient (or the money they get from a patient) but it was my Dr's idea to refer me to the cities Dr.  I feel like they don't the urgency and that we really want to keep moving full steam ahead and not miss another opportunity.  I don't know.  I'm frustrated.  I'm irritated.  I'm tired of the confusion working with this Dr and his Nurse.  Of course, as with anything IF related, nothing is easy!  Why oh why can't just one thing be easy about this?  Praying this cycle works so we don't have to worry about it...

So here we are...not quite 24 hours post shot, doing TIC and waiting...the waiting is going to be the hardest.  Dr E said we really can't test for 3 weeks - really?!?!  I thought it was usually 2 weeks...so we will see come the appointment with him on 6.8 what he says as that's just over 2 weeks from the shot.

Praying a miracle happens in the next few days....

2 over 20!

Had my u/s this morning and they tech told me I have one over 20 on each side (I can't remember the exact sizes) and the left side has one about 14.  (I am shocked by the left side as I think the last few times it's been the lazier of the two.) Both sides have numerous 10 or under.  YEAH!  I am thinking that means the shot should be anyday now.  I can't wait to hear from my Dr as to when we can do the shot and talk to him about which Dr to go to next month if this month doesn't produce a BFP.  I want to keep things rolling as I don't want to "waste" another month from changing Drs.  Thank you God for two great sized follies!!!

Duckie's surgery on Friday went well.  They removed three lymph nodes under his left arm (poor guy is a southpaw like his favorite sister) and did quite a long incision on his back to remove teh rest of the mole but the surgeon told my Dad everything went really well.  Duckie should find out the results on Friday (if not before).  He has a follow up with the Dr then and I am assuming a discussion about what's next.  I got to spend a few hours with him and my parents on Saturday, so that was nice.  It was reassuring to see him and see how great of spirits he is in.  Thank you God for making the surgery go well and for him not being in too much pain. 

Heading to Caribou to get myself a cinnamon roobios tea!  I have been craving one ALL weekend! 

Cinnamon Roobios Tea

My bro, who I think I'll refer to on this blog as Duckie, had his dye test done yesterday.  It was supposed to be done in the morning but got pushed back due to an emergceny - not sure what emergency but eventually ti did get done.  The test was inconclusive.  They will do several biopsies tomorrow.  The test did show that the blood flowed to the lymph node under the arm and some other place but they told him that doesn't necessarily mean its cancer, its just where the blood is going.  ????  He was to be at the hospital by 6 am for surgery this morning but haven't heard anything yet.  I don't know how long it will take or when we will know the results of these biopsies.  I am not sure why I am at work today - I am not able to concentrate on anything and really wish I was down there with Duckie.  But I know when he gets out he's going to be groggy and sleep most of the day and I don't want him to feel like he has to stay awake for me.  So I will just have to learn to be patient and wait to see him tomorrow, and in the meantime offer up lots of prayers. 

The caffeine headache is about gone.  I have been rather tired lately though - in fact I just closed my office door and took a quick 20 minute nap at my desk. I skipped my northern lite decaf mocha this morning and tried cinnamon roobios tea (a caffeine free tea)...and actually liked it!  I like the spice of it.  I did add two packets of splenda but I could probably get used to drinking it without the splenda.  It is about half the cost of the mocha (I suppose I could buy some in the store and it would be even cheaper!) but the best part is it fits even better into WW than the northern lite decaf mochas!  :) 

I suppose I should actually try to get some work done...I am just having the hardest time being here today.  Maybe it's a good day to clean my office, which I thought would be a good project for when I first came back from surgery but it never got done.