Ugh (I have no creative title)

I love my husband with every fiber of my being.  He has so many qualities that I love and admire.  He truly is a wonderful person.  He is my soul mate.  He is my best friend.  He is my world.  I needed to start out with that – to preface what I am about to say in this post.   I feel guilty about even writing this post but I started this blog to express my feelings about this thing called infertility.  I don’t want this post in any way to come across as negative towards DH or that he isn’t the most wonderful man in the world.    

I am having a much harder time with IF than my DH appears to be having.  I will admit I am an overly emotional person.  I cry. Easily.  (Especially lately – I seem to cry for no apparent reason.)  I take things too personally and too much to heart.  But for as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a Mom.  Just like almost every other girl growing up it was a dream of mine.  I used to want at least 8 kids.  I still would love 8 kids but I know that is out of my control and will be happy with even just one child.  With every pregnancy announcement it gets harder and harder on me.  We had some friends get married this past fall and I know they were going to “try, but not try” right away.  So on New Year’s Eve we had plans to have supper and play cards with two couples.  One of which are the ones that just announced they were expecting and the other couple who just got married this past fall.   DH and I were in the car on our way and I just got this overwhelming, dreadful feeling that the couple who just got married were going to say they too were pregnant.  I told DH that I just didn’t think I could handle it if the other couple was preggo too.  And DH’s response was “You can’t keep getting upset every time someone announces they’re pregnant.  You need to just get over it.”  Really?!?  Are you kidding me?  Did he really just say that?  So I of course started crying and told him he had no right to say that to me and that he wasn’t the one that couldn’t get pregnant.  We both just sort of dropped it.  But it still irritates me and makes me a little mad.  I know he’s trying to be supportive.  And that it must be hard for him to see me upset and get upset so often and so easily.  He tries to tell me that it’ll happen.  He tries to tell me that even if it doesn’t we still have each other.  In his own way I know he’s trying and he probably has no idea what to say or do but it still hurt. 

I know I shouldn’t get so upset and really we have only tried for two cycles and it was just a year ago that we were even referred to the IF Drs.  But I just keep thinking I am not getting any younger and I don’t want to be an “old Mom”.  And I must admit I am not a very patient person.  Although you’d think I’d be used to waiting…it feels like I am always the last one to the party.  I waited forever for my DH.  I never imagined I would be in my 30s before meeting and marrying the love of my life.  I saw almost all my friends marry and have kids before I even met DH.  So I don’t know why I thought having a kid would come easily or quickly. 

Now that the holidays are over and done with it is back to WW and their new PointsPlus program (which I have a better attitude towards now than I did when it first came out…still not liking it but am not going to buck the change either).  I did already lose one of those pounds I gained over Christmas but still have a ways to go before the Dr. will work with us again…my goal is to be able to start with the Dr. again in February, which means I need to lose at least 2 lbs. a week between then and now.