My Faith Journey

I am relatively new to the world of blogging…well I have been blog-stalking for a while but am relatively new to blogging myself.  One of the blogs I have been stalking, The Infertility Cross, has recently started “Round Up” discussions.  It works like this…The Infertility Cross posts a topic, blogs about it herself and then invites others to blog about the same topic.  Those who blog about the topic are asked (but not required) to comment in The Infertility Cross blog comment section that they have participated.  A summary of who has participated will be posted.  Sounds like a great way to stop blog stalking and get to know fellow bloggers! 

Do you come from a Catholic family? Were you raised Catholic? Was there a time when stepped away from the Catholic Church? If you converted to Catholicism, what made you do so?

My Mom grew up Catholic and my Dad grew up Lutheran.  This fact did not sit well with either set of my Grandparents and it was clear that if my Dad wished to marry my Mom he had to convert to Catholicism.  Which he did, however, his parents were less than thrilled, so much so that his Dad almost didn’t go to the wedding.  (I just realized I’ve never talked with my parents about this conversion – it was just sort of a known fact.  I can’t wait to talk with them about this though!) 

Growing up we attended Mass every Sunday, unless you were on your deathbed!  Even on vacation we would find a Catholic church and be sure to go to Mass.  I was baptized as an infant.  In elementary school, I received First Communion, in the same dress my sister and Mom wore.  Then in High School I was Confirmed.  I attended CCD classes through my Junior year and once I was confirmed my parents required me to somehow serve the Church my senior year so a friend and I taught Sunday school during our Senior year. 

I remember in high school going to Mass on a Saturday night in my cheerleading uniform (because we had a football game almost immediately after Mass let out) and after Mass a little old lady sitting behind me poked me in the shoulder and asked “Don’t you know how to dress for Mass?”  I promptly replied, “Well at least I’m here!”  (Granted the skirt was quite short and looking back I probably could have worn my warm up pants underneath.)

I am going to be completely honest here, growing up I went because I had to.  I never really got much out of Mass or CCD classes and when I went off to college I loved the freedom of not HAVING to go every week.  So through most of college I didn’t go unless I was home visiting my family.  For a short time I did start attending a Lutheran church my freshman year with one of my friends until my Mom found out and was “so disappointed in me”.  there were numerous reasons I started going to the Lutheran services with my friend: a. it was someone to go with, b. my entire Dad's side o the family was Lutheran so it couldn't be so bad and I wanted to check it out, c. it was a way to rebel against my Mom and d. In my mind again, at least I was going to a Christian service and I believed in God so what did it matter. 

For many years after college I continued to rarely go to Mass because I didn’t feel it was right to go because I had to but rather I should go because I wanted to.  My train of thought was “God knows I believe.  I have my own relationship with him.  Why do I have to go to some building every week?”  I also hated to go to Mass alone.  Which, looking back, I think all of those were easy rationales for me to skip going. 

In my late 20s when I moved from my college town to my current one I became good friends with a girl who would go to Mass semi-regularly and get me to go with her.  And over the past few years I have started to want to grow and work on my faith and belief in the Catholic Church.  It was always important for my future husband to be Catholic and to get married in the Catholic Church.  (My husband did grow up Catholic and like me “had” to go every weekend, and again, like me, once he was out of his parents’ house he rarely went because he enjoyed the freedom of not having to go.) When we have kids it is my dream to send them to Catholic school and hope that they do not grow up as I did…almost resenting Church.  I hope to talk with them about our religion and the importance of going to Mass and not just demand it.   

Again, I am going to be completely honest, my faith is not near as strong as most of you blogger ladies but I am working on it! 

Never been so happy to see AF!

AF just came a knockin' and I couldn't be happier...ok maybe I could be happier if she hadn't shown up because I was pg but I know the odds of that actually happening aren't the best.  I never in a million years thought I would ever be this happy to see AF but this is the first time in as long as I can remember that she arrived WITH OUT any meds...well ok maybe there was a med (metformin) thrown in there that might have helped.  But I didn't need to take provera this month to induce it.  I just wish we didn't have to wait until the 9th to meet with our new Dr. 

New Doc

I had a physical and annual with my new Dr today. She is nice.  It went well.  Her specialty is not infertility, which I knew going in but with insurance needed a referral to a Dr. that does specialize in IF.  She referred me to another local Dr.  Originally I asked to be referred to one down in Minneapolis, the same one my 40 year old coworker went to and had success on their first cycle.  But she has a lot of confidence in this Dr. and said it would be very stressful always having to drive so far for appointments, which I can somewhat see.  She could tell I was still hesitant and made a deal with me...that I meet with him and do a cycle and if I don't like him then she will refer me to Minneapolis.  Then through further conversation I find out she also has dealt with IF and it was never out right said but I read between the lines that she went to that Dr.  So I have my first meeting with him on March 9th.  I wish I didn't have to wait so long but we've waited this long what's a few more weeks, right? 

The rest of the appointment went pretty good - except for I started crying when I was talking about IF.  I hate that I cry so dang easily. 

I am down 26.5 lbs since September!  She was pretty impressed with that, as am I!  I still have a ways that I want to go but at least I am making progress.  She did tell me I need to step up my exercise, blaaahhhcckk!!!

She is also referring me to the hospital for EMG tests on both arms as I think I have carpal tunnel. 

All in all I feel pretty comfortable with her.  I do miss my PA over at the other provider and a few of the IF nurses but we'll see what this guy she recommends is like and go from there. 

Come on March 9th and get here soon!!

Cloud 9

I just got off the phone with my insurance provider and I am on Cloud 9!  Yes, you read that sentence correctly in that “insurance provider” and “Cloud 9” were in the same sentence and a happy sentence at that! 

Let me back up a bit…

I get health insurance free for myself through work.  When I started I was given a choice of providers and I chose the one I had always been with BCBS.  But then when we started with IF we found out that BCBS doesn’t cover squat.  Well maybe they covered a little up until the actual diagnosis of IF but none of the cycle management fees were covered.  None of the medications were covered.  We were looking at about a grand a cycle.  It was fine.  We could do it and we did for a few cycles, but it wasn’t fun.  We had no extra money.  None!  Well in talking with a coworker who had also gone through IF she had the other insurance provider offered through our employer and didn’t have to pay much at all.  Not even for cycle management or medications or the IUI!  So DH and I called the potential new provider and they said they don’t cover any IF.  We were bummed and confused but that’s what they told us.  After much discussion we decided to still switch as it couldn’t get any worse than our current provider.  So as of Jan 1 we were no longer covered under BCBS but rather HealthPartners. 

Fast forward to today.  I am almost at the 10% weight loss the Dr. required and AF hasn’t shown up since 12/4 so I called to get started on Provera and to see if the Dr. would move forward with cycle management now.  I also called the billing office to see if they could double check if my new insurance would cover any IF.  I was speechless when they called back and said that they covered it 100% after a $50 deductible, except a $17 copay per office visit!  AND up to 6 IUI cycles per confirmed pregnancy!  She did say that I needed to see a Dr. in my primary care clinic (which had to change with the new provider) and that the Dr. in that clinic would have to refer me to my current IF Dr.

So I called my new insurance provider to make sure to choose a Dr. at my plan cost level and through talking with them they confirmed what the billing office had told me!  I am thrilled! 

So now I have an appointment with a family medicine Dr. next Tuesday!  It means it will delay starting the next cycle management for a bit but I am ok with if it means we won’t have to pay but $50!  It is such a relief. 

Oh and I had prepaid my 3^rd cycle management but never completed it due to the requirement for me to lose weight so the clinic kept the unspent money in my account and I could either have it refunded to me or save it for the next cycle.  Well now knowing this I am able to have it refunded so we’ve even got a little extra coming back!  Second nice surprise of the morning! 

In Awe...

I am truly in awe of:

the IF bloggers out there! 

the grace in which you (IF bloggers) are enduring the challenges of IF and all that goes along with it

your spirituality and relationships with God

your profound faith in Our Lord Jesus Christ

your willingness to put it all out there, for anyone to read 

the community you have developed

your welcoming ways

And I want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart for your blogs and posts…it truly makes this challenge at little easier to tackle.  As much as I hate the fact that any one has to go through IF I am grateful for the bloggers like you who are willing to share such an immensely private part of your lives with complete strangers…

Life: On Hold

Am I the only one who feels as though I tend to semi-subconsciously t to put my life “on hold” for IF?  I have some friends in Germany and DH and I have been talking about flying over there to visit them and tour the country for years now.  They called me one night last week to say hi leading to DH and I talking again about how we need to go over there and soon.  So the next day DH starts pricing airfare for this fall and you know what the first thing that popped into my head…”Should we really be planning that for Fall?  What if we are pregnant?  What if we are still trying?  What if we can’t afford it because it hasn’t worked?”  That’s sad!  Really sad!  I love, love, love to travel and have wanted to go to Germany for years (and Belgium as one of my closest friends growing up lives there now).  But this stupid IF comes in and distracts me from that.  It’s not just with this Germany…it’s with everything.  It is always in the back of mind, oh who am I kidding, it is always front and center in my mind.

Grad school.  I would really like to go back to school to get my Masters (especially since my job allows me/my spouse/my dependents to take up to 30 credits a year for free) but it will take 2 – 3 years of going nights and weekends and immediately my mind does the math – for example, if we get pregnant in February (yeah, right) I would only have 1 semester done by the time the baby is born and then what?  Because we cannot afford to have only one of us working full time we will have to put our child in day care.  Could I really handle working full time and go to school part time and barely ever get to see my child? Is it fair to ask my husband to work full time and then take care of a baby nights and weekends alone or with little help from me because I will be at class or I have homework to complete.  Is it fair to the child to not have its mother around much for the first few years?  

Making any sort of plans – short term or long term.  For example, I want to visit my sister in February to go tubing, shopping, and just hang out but I am leery to set a date as what if that is a weekend we should be trying, especially since I am so hopeful I will have lost enough weight for us to be able to work with the Dr.  Or my DH wants to set up an ice fishing trip with his buddies in March but I can’t tell him what weekends will or will not work.  (Because I am never regular and generally need to have it medically induced I don’t even have a general idea of what part of the month it will be.) My cousin/dear friend/like-a-sister wants to plan to go to a Vikings game in the fall 2011 with her, her hubby, my DH and me again, like we did this past fall (minus getting projectile puked on) but when she suggested it my very first thought was to IF and trying.  Or I have a cousin getting married this spring and don’t know how to RSVP because what if it’s that weekend (although I did already buy the most adorable shoes ever for the wedding!).

I also tend to put things on hold due to the monetary cost of IF.  We desperately need a new couch but I don’t want to make any major purchases until we are pregnant because I want every spare dollar to go towards trying as who knows how long it will take and how many cycles.  Even non-major purchases like getting clothes…I tell myself I should save the money I want to spend on new clothes right now and put it towards trying or for when I do get pregnant to buy maternity clothes - but on the other hand a valid reason to wait right now is once I reach my goal weight I will need all new clothes as I will be substantially smaller (down 2 lbs since last week!). 

I just feel like I am putting my life constantly “on hold”... 

Trying to stay "back on trac"

I have been trying pretty hard to stay “back on track” all week…and I think it’s going relatively well.  I am loving the WW eTools and my new WW cookbook (although I hate that it has the old Points and not Points+ on the recipes in the cookbook).   Monday we had orange chicken.  It was just ok.  A little bland.  Tuesday night we had honey-dijon pork chops and they were fabulous!  I think they would be even better if we marinated them for 48 hours instead of 24.  I even made a somewhat homemade honey mustard marinade for it!  Last night we had tequila-citrus chicken and it was great too, but again would have been better marinated longer than 24 hours.  Tonight?  Not sure what to make.  DH starts dart league tonight so we need to be on the road pretty close to when he gets home from work so it has to be quick.  Originally I wasn’t going to go with so I figured DH would grab supper at the bar but my friend/hairdresser “M” is going to be there so I’ll go drink water with her!  (Finally, someone to drink water with me…all last year when I’d go to darts with DH I would drink water so I could drive us home and DH could have a few beers but M and her DH live within walking distance of the bar, so M would have beers.  But not this year!  This year M is expecting!  Although I do hope this year I won’t get the “are you pregnant?” every time I order water!).  I am so, so, so tempted to go right after DH gets home from work and get pizza at the bar they are playing at tonight because they have fantastic pizza…but I’m going to try like the dickens to be good and stop at the grocery store on my way home and get something a little more WW friendly!  Just not sure what… 

It is so nice having my sister on WW at the same time.  She’s an inspiration and also helps me stay on track.  It’s great to be able to compare recipes, gripe about the new Points+, share ideas and have someone who knows what I am going through because she’s been there, done that.  I just wish I had started it when she did in January 2009! 

It is so tempting to get on the scale every morning to see if I was “on track” the day before or if “it’s working” but I know weight can fluctuate and I think I would be devastated to see that the hard work and effort the day before didn’t work…I think it would mentally throw me so far off track I’d be hitting up the bookstore on first floor of my building at work to get candy bars and non-diet pops all day long! 

I am just so darn impatient!  I can’t wait to get down to a weight when my Dr. will work with us again.  I can’t wait to try again.  I can’t wait to get that BFP!  I can’t wait to make “the announcement”.  I can’t wait to have a child.  I can’t wait to be a parent.  I can’t wait for my husband to be a Daddy!  Those are all the things I tell myself every time I get the urge to grab a candy bar or pop! They what I tell myself when I feel myself veering off track.